It was in that moment I realized it. I didn’t think they deserved to go to Heaven. The grace I’ve written about, the forgiveness and mercy I post about…for some reason I didn’t think it should be extended to them. And all of this was so suppressed that I didn’t realize it until that moment. I had trapped myself in resentment and pride, the door stuck so tight that I didn’t even realize I was trapped. And the guilt and shame that followed once I realized I was essentially gatekeeping salvation from someone? My own hypocrisy floored me.
Maybe you’ve been in a similar situation. We know everyone deserves grace but we don’t WANT them to have it.
The battle between your head and your heart exhausts you when your theology says one thing but your emotions scream another.
And the guilt that follows when we realize we should want salvation for everyone, but genuinely don’t? When we realize we’ve been gatekeeping heaven based on our own pain and preferences?
The Grace We Hoard
Why do we reserve grace for some people—our family, friends, people we like—but hoard it from those who we think don’t “deserve” it? Grace in its very definition is getting what we DON’T deserve. That’s the whole point of grace. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, “For by GRACE you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
Yet somehow we’ve appointed ourselves as heaven’s gatekeepers, deciding who gets access to what Christ freely offers.
The Mental Wrestling Match
This internal conflict creates a specific kind of spiritual exhaustion. If you’re familiar with Scripture, you know inherently that all sin is equal and we all need grace. Jesus sacrificed Himself to save us all—not a single one of us deserved it (grace!). This is something that’s preached over and over again. So why do our hearts insist, “But what they did was WORSE”? We know we should pray for their salvation. We should demonstrate mercy and pray for their eyes to be opened. But again our hearts scream, “I hope they get what they deserve!”
And this back-and-forth between our heads and hearts, this internal battle about who deserves salvation, reveals how we’ve become heaven’s self-appointed gatekeepers.
It spiritually exhausts us.
We feel guilty for having “un-Christian” feelings. I felt horrible when I realized I was reserving salvation for some and not for others. This can cause anxiety about your own spiritual maturity too. Am I a bad Christian for wanting them to suffer for what they did? Then comes the shame. “Jesus wouldn’t have these feelings,” we might think. This ongoing internal conflict is the perfect breeding ground for mental fatigue.
When We Try to Gatekeep Heaven
We’re Wired for Emotional Justice
It’s really not your fault. Our brains are designed to seek fairness and reciprocity. We were created in the likeness of God, so we should want justice and fairness. But since sin entered the world, our sense of justice and fairness has been compromised by our fallen nature.
Scientifically, we know that emotional pain creates real neural pathways that resist grace and yearn for what we define as justice. And all emotions are valid. We can’t just think our way out of feeling hurt. But this is why grace often feels wrong to our human sense of justice.
The Trauma Response
When someone hurts us directly, our brain treats them as a threat, which is a natural trauma response. As I’ve written about before in my post on trauma triggers, the memory of getting hurt paired with adrenaline gets seared into our amygdala, the emotional center of the brain. So it’s no wonder wanting them blessed feels dangerous to our survival instincts. How can we wish grace and salvation for someone who has hurt us so badly? Our emotions suit up and get ready to protect us from future harm.
Extending grace feels like leaving the car door unlocked with your wallet in the front seat.
Our brains connect grace with vulnerability.
And culture hasn’t helped with this. Of course, there’s a fine line between grace and mercy and letting people walk all over you. But extending grace and mercy gets lumped into the category of becoming a doormat or the “weak” thing to do. When in reality, showing grace and mercy to someone who’s hurt us, as counterintuitive as it is, shows great strength and maturity.
Jesus Had Emotions Too
God doesn’t want us to be emotionless robots spouting Bible verses to people. We are allowed to feel and encouraged to feel. Emotions can be beautiful, painful, exhilarating, heartwrenching experiences. Jesus felt an array of emotions when He was on Earth. He wept over Jerusalem knowing that they’d reject Him (Luke 19:41). He literally flipped tables when people were trying to exploit templegoers (Mark 11:15-17). In Gethsemane, He agonized, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42). The Bible highlights so many emotional struggles. God feels emotions, too! And if we were made in God’s image? We are absolutely allowed to feel.
This gives us a crucial truth: Emotional struggles can coexist with spiritual obedience.
This means you can feel angry, hurt, resentful, and still choose to do what God asks. Your emotions don’t have to “catch up” before you obey.
The Difference Between Feeling and Choosing
Having emotions doesn’t make you less spiritual.
The goal here isn’t to stop feeling; it’s to not let feelings drive decisions.
When we let our emotions have the driver’s seat, we can wind up in places we shouldn’t be.
We need to let ourselves feel then take the feeling and surrender it to God. Easier said than done, of course. When I realized I was withholding grace to the person who hurt me, I prayed and prayed for my heart to be softened and to healthily process my hurt, anger, and sadness. I said, “God, I’m so angry at this person, but I didn’t realize I thought they were undeserving of salvation. Help me pray for them anyway.” I don’t know how many times I prayed this prayer, but eventually I was able to let go of my anger and resentment and found myself genuinely wishing for their spiritual wellbeing.
As I’ve written about before in my post on forgiveness, we may think that we need to feel forgiving and be “over it” before we forgive someone. But in actuality, we can choose to forgive someone and still be angry and hurt about what they did. The same principle applies here:
“God, I don’t want to forgive them, but I choose to.”
“I don’t feel like they deserve grace, but I’ll pray for them anyway.”
“My heart says no, but my will says yes to Your way.”
Actions don’t require matching emotions.
Sometimes we think mature Christians don’t struggle with having these feelings. Real maturity is feeling the emotional struggle and choosing right anyway. It’s not about having perfect emotions but surrendering the imperfect ones.
Practical Strategies for the Internal War
So what does this look like in real life? Here are strategies that have helped me navigate this internal conflict:
1. Acknowledge the conflict honestly. We may say, “God, I know they need grace and mercy, but I’m struggling to want that for them.” We need to stop pretending we don’t have these feelings and acknowledge them. This brings the internal conflict to prayer instead of hiding it. Acknowledge when we’re gatekeeping grace from someone and bring that tendency to God. I didn’t even realize I had negative emotions toward the person who hurt me until a friend helped me uncover my own internal conflict.
2. Start with willingness to be willing. We need to want our hearts to be changed and softened. This might look like, “God, I’m not willing to forgive them, but I’m willing to be willing. Make me want to want their salvation.” Sometimes we have to pray for our hearts to change. As the father in Mark 9:24 cried out, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
3. Focus on action, not emotion. We might be resentful, hurt, angry, or sad, but those are all emotions. We need to focus on the actions. What do we do despite our feelings? We need to pray for those who hurt us even when it feels forced. We should speak well of them even when our hearts resist. Think of it like muscle memory. If we choose grace in our actions, eventually our emotions will catch up. In my Daily Choice of Forgiveness post, I brought up that every time I had a negative thought about the person who hurt me, I’d make myself pray for them. I won’t lie, most of the prayers were said very grudgingly. But eventually, I found myself actually meaning the words I prayed.
4. Remember your own story. Think of all the times we are undeserving of grace. When we may have hurt someone. God still wanted our salvation when others might not have. We’ve been the “undeserving” person in someone else’s story. Romans 5:8 reminds us: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Wouldn’t we want the same grace extended to us?
The Slow Work of Emotional Healing
This doesn’t happen overnight, as much as we’d like it to. Grace is a process, not a singular moment. It’s 100% okay if extending grace feels mechanical at first. Scripture calls us to forgive others as we have been forgiven (Ephesians 4:32). After we exhibit obedient actions, the authentic feelings will follow. Healing happens in layers, not all at once.
And some wounds need time before grace even feels possible. I know for me, it took me months for my emotions to catch up with my actions. For others, it can even take years. God is patient with your process. Ecclesiastes 3:1 reminds us there is “a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens.” We shouldn’t try to rush our emotional healing just to appear more spiritual. This can lead to suppression and do more harm than good.
Sometimes the wanting comes after the doing and it’s perfectly okay.
When the Internal War Becomes Peace
What does victory look like? It’s not the absence of difficult emotions. It’s not never being sad, mad, or hurt ever again. It’s emotions that don’t control our choices.
It’s feeling the hurt but choosing grace anyway.
Eventually, the heart and head will align internally.
And the freedom that comes? We’ll feel relief from no longer fighting ourselves constantly. We’ll free up energy for actual ministry and growth instead of focusing on our internal struggles. And we’ll be able to express authentic emotions instead of performing spirituality. We can be at peace with our own humanity. Our feelings are valid.
The Grace to Struggle with Grace
Lamentations 3:22-23 says, “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.”
God has grace for our struggle with grace.
Our internal conflict doesn’t disqualify us from ministry; the conflict itself can become a form of worship.
“I feel this way, but I’m choosing grace anyway.” What a testament this can be to our discipleship and following Christ’s example. Sometimes the most honest prayer is, “help me want what You want.” When we stop gatekeeping heaven and start extending grace, we discover that God’s love is big enough for our mess. And until our hearts catch up with our theology, He holds space for both our struggle and our obedience.
