Content Warning: This post discusses spiritual abuse, manipulation, and religious trauma.
“God is speaking through me to give you direction.”
“If you reject us and my advice, you’re rejecting God.”
“You are spiritually lifeless and separated from the Holy Spirit.”
I pray you’ve never had these words spoken to you. But if you are someone who has heard words like these spoken to you, first and foremost:
I am so sorry.
You’re not crazy. You’re not spiritually immature. These words are spiritual abuse. The confusion and anger you feel are completely valid.
My Experience with Spiritual Abuse
My family and I recently came under attack from spiritual abusers. I was told I was fueling a church hurt narrative with ARMR Collective. I was told I wasn’t hearing from God and since I wasn’t doing what these people told me to do, I was rejecting God’s calling for my life.
To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. I started questioning everything. I was so confused and in turmoil over ARMR, over my relationship with God, everything.
I felt I was to blame for all the bad things that had happened in my life and that the Voice I would hear in my mind wasn’t really God speaking to me.
There is such a unique and heart-wrenching pain that comes with being wounded by those claiming to represent God.
Sometimes the people who claim to speak for God are the ones preventing you from hearing His actual voice.
The Devastation of Spiritual Abuse
What Makes Spiritual Abuse so Damaging?
Spiritual abuse, sometimes called toxic Christianity, uses the most sacred parts of your life as weapons. It may use past confessions or sins as weapons to shame you into believing you’re not “good enough” or “not forgiven”.
In my case, I had confided some very personal issues to this person. This person helped me to repent and to be delivered. But then later, they used this very personal matter to shame me and dared to tell me I hadn’t repented “properly”.
Spiritual abuse creates confusion about God’s character versus human manipulation. I was raised in the church and felt fairly confident about who God is. But after this experience I was left wondering where I went wrong when in reality, I was being manipulated.
I started to question my ability to hear from God directly. This person was telling me things that “God told them to tell me” but I kept wondering, “Since I pray so frequently and hear from God myself, why doesn’t He just tell me these things personally?”
When someone uses God’s name to control you, they’re not just hurting you—they’re distorting your image of God Himself.
Why People Leave Faith
So, it’s no wonder people leave the faith after experiences like these. I had never experienced spiritual abuse firsthand before this, and now that I have, it absolutely breaks my heart that people have endured this.
I’m blessed to have a strong foundation in Christ that I didn’t end up leaving the faith, but if someone is new to Christianity and these interactions are their welcome? It’s no wonder people leave. I don’t blame them one bit. It is, quite frankly, disgusting behavior and absolutely horrific.
But this is not Christianity. This is not how Jesus handles things.
Jesus offers gentle restoration, not harsh condemnation. He modeled servant leadership, not lording over others. He welcomed questions and always pointed to the Father, never to Himself.
When Jesus met the woman at the well, He didn’t shame her past—He offered her living water and spoke to her privately, not airing out her secrets. He was gentle but firm (keyword gentle).
Spiritual abuse is the modern version of what Jesus opposed the most. The people who wounded you in God’s name would likely be the same ones Jesus would confront for misrepresenting His Father.
As James 3:17 says, “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.”
Red Flags of Spiritual Abuse to Watch For
Maybe you’ve experienced spiritual abuse but didn’t realize it at the time. It took me a few days to recognize that I was experiencing spiritual abuse and manipulation. Here are some red flags that you can trust:
Claims of spiritual authority over your life
In my case, I had never given spiritual authority to these people, but they claimed to have it anyway. They claimed to have a covenant with me as children of God. But the only covenant among human beings is the covenant of marriage.
What they were saying isn’t backed by the Bible as we discovered after further research. No one can appoint themselves as your elders or spiritual parents unless you explicitly ask them to. Moreover, in most churches, only ordained ministers can become elders.
If someone tells you that you need to do what they say because they are your “elders” and you never gave them that position, they have NO RIGHT to your obedience.
Adding requirements Scripture doesn’t impose
We were told that we didn’t repent properly or “all the way” and that there were some more things we had to do to be forgiven. When trying to find confirmation in the Bible, we found none.
Repentance is between you, God, and the people directly affected. No. One. Else.
Using your vulnerabilities as weapons
Past sins or confessions told in confidence should NOT be used as weapons against you. When Jesus died on the cross, He erased our sins so long as we repent. If you’ve asked for forgiveness, you have it.
Don’t let anyone hold you in your sin or remind you of past mistakes. This is manipulation, plain and simple.
Fear-based manipulation
Threats such as “you will be cursed” use fear to make you feel forced to comply. Jesus would never use fear to get a point across—quite the opposite. How many times did He tell us not to be afraid?
Threats of divine punishment are also fear-based manipulation. God doesn’t punish us for our sins—Jesus was punished on our behalf for all our past, present, and future sins. John 3:17 says that Jesus was sent here not to condemn us but to save us through Him. The New Covenant has paid for our salvation.
Isolation from other spiritual input
A spiritual abuser may claim exclusive access to God and try to discredit anything you’ve heard from Him directly.
Mature believers encourage direct contact with God yourself.
When Jesus died on the cross, the veil was torn—we now have direct access to God.
In John 10:27, Jesus says “my sheep listen to my voice”. Each and every one of us has the ability to hear God speak.
The spiritual abuser may also try to create dependence on themselves. In my experience, I was told that besides this one person, I didn’t have anyone else willing or able to sharpen me in spirit and truth—when in reality, I have a large circle of fellow believers who hold me accountable.
Community is not spiritual dictatorship. Healthy leaders point to Christ, not themselves.
1 Thessalonians 5:21 encourages us to “test everything” when it comes to words from God, especially if the words aren’t spoken to you directly.
Any kind of degrading talk or slander
Anyone who uses insults or slander to communicate a message “from God” is an immediate red flag. Galatians 6:1 tells us to “restore each other gently”. Jesus was firm when speaking but never resorted to insults or slander.
Slander is defined as speaking critically of another person with the intent to hurt or falsely accuse another. This is against everything Jesus has taught.
Examples of slander could be attacks on your character like “you’re self-centered” or “you’re spiritually dead and prideful”. False spiritual diagnoses like “you don’t know how to hear from God” are another example. Attacks on your marriage and parenting are yet another. These are all personal attacks masquerading as spiritual insight and are very dangerous.
If you’ve experienced speech like this, firstly I am so sorry. Hateful speech like this hijacks your brain and can make you second-guess yourself—it did to me at least.
Please know, words like these are not God-breathed. God does not use negative speech like this.
He uses uplifting, convicting words—never shameful or insulting.
The “Wounded Healer” Problem
Sometimes past trauma can be the fuel for the fire in a spiritual abuse situation. Sometimes the abuser may assume a one-size-fits-all mentality. They may project their past trauma onto you and try to control your behavior to “save” you from potential trauma.
Good intentions do not excuse harmful methods, but we are still called to forgive.
Some people can’t see the damage they’re causing but it doesn’t excuse the problem.
Hurt people hurt people – but that doesn’t make it okay or your responsibility to fix it.
The best thing to do is pray for clarity and peace for them.
Matthew 5:44 tells us to pray for those who persecute you. It’s difficult, particularly when they’ve wounded us so deeply. But it’s so important to continue to pray anyway.
Healing from Spiritual Abuse: Next Steps
So how do we solve the problem of toxic Christianity and spiritual abuse?
Take immediate steps for safety
Sometimes complete no-contact is the answer. In my case, I tried multiple times for them to see my point of view but it only gave them more ammunition to use. I realized it was best to sever all ties with them for the time being.
Realistically, I won’t be able to make them see how damaging they’re being, so there was no point in trying if it would only give them more ammunition to attack me with.
Titus 3:10-11 says “as for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him”. This resonated with me as I had tried two different times to explain how damaging they were being to no avail. I wanted to try again, but was stopped by the Lord and directed to this verse.
No-contact also protects your family from toxic spiritual influences. I would not want my kids thinking that God is a negative, condemning God. I want them to know He is loving and full of grace.
Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). As I stated before, this is usually not going to change anything. It could just give the spiritual abuser more ammunition.
Reclaim your spiritual authority
1 John 2:20 says “you have an anointing from the Holy One”. We can hear God directly.
And if you haven’t yet, this is what I tried: I sat in my office, lit a candle, opened my palms and prayed. I asked the Holy Spirit to fill me and that was the first time I was able to hear directly from God. It’s like exercising a muscle after that. It took a lot of concentration at first, but now I can regularly hear the Spirit speak to me.
Your discernment is valid and Spirit-led.
While discernment isn’t my strongest spiritual gift, I was still able to recognize that what the spiritual abusers were saying did not align with what I know about God and Christianity.
Rebuild your faith after abuse
This can be particularly challenging if you are newer to faith. Start with separating the message from the messenger. If something doesn’t seem right, do some research and find biblical confirmation (if you can, find the words directly in the Bible WITH the surrounding context!).
Find safe people to process with—I asked my best friend “am I crazy or is this really toxic?” My husband (who was also under attack) helped validate the hurt I was feeling by showing me Scripture that proved what they were saying was not biblically sound.
Don’t let their toxicity invalidate genuine spiritual experiences.
After all the hateful words, I began to wonder if I had even received a message from God in the first place. But I had heard it personally and never felt more sure in the moment. I’ve since received confirmation that it was truly a Word from God.
God’s voice brings peace, not fear and condemnation.
For Those Still Hurting
I’ll be honest, even after writing all this, I’m still hurting a lot. I’ve never had such horrible words spoken to me before, particularly words attacking my faith, which is so personal and my highest value. Revisiting it all is hard.
But I need to tell my story so this doesn’t happen to more people. I mean, I was told to delete ARMR altogether because it “wasn’t God-breathed”. That hurts. Those of you who know me personally know this is a low blow as I know ARMR Collective is my God-given calling.
If you’ve since walked away from faith:
Your response was understandable and valid.
Before now, I had never personally experienced toxic Christianity or spiritual abuse. I understand why people new to faith would walk away completely after experiencing something like this.
But I want you to know, God understands why you had to protect yourself. He isn’t angry at you for walking away. He is patiently waiting for you to heal and return to Him.
Leaving toxic Christianity isn’t the same as leaving God.
The door back to authentic faith is always open. I hope someday you’ll be ready to separate the God they showed you from the God who actually is. I hope I’ll be able to help with that here with ARMR.
If you’re trying to stay:
It’s okay to question everything you’ve been taught.
Healthy doubt can lead to stronger faith.
Jesus wanted his disciples to ask questions—He wanted us to have the curiosity of a child.
As I referenced before, 1 Thessalonians 5:21 says “test them all; hold on to what is good, reject whatever is harmful.” If it’s not biblically sound, it’s human opinion.
Try to find an authentic Christian community that reflects Jesus’ actual character. I know this is easier said than done, but I’m always available to chat! 😀
Moving Forward With Hope
I hope my testimony here helps others. I want to break the cycles of spiritual abuse because it’s more prevalent than people might think.
Authentic Christianity looks like truth spoken in love. Freedom, not control. Growth, not conformity. Peace, not fear. Conviction, not condemnation. And questions welcomed, not attacked.
And if you’re not sure if what you experienced was spiritual abuse, look at the fruits. Matthew 7:16 says “by their fruit you will recognize them” in reference to false prophets.
Did the words spoken to you reap a harvest of peace, love, joy, kindness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control?
Or did the words reap hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions, and envy?
God sees you completely and loves you fully. Your wounds can become your ministry.
Don’t hide in shame if you’ve experienced this. I hope just by reading this post, you can know you’re not alone and you’re not to blame.
Romans 8:38 tells us that “nothing can separate you from the love of God”.
Don’t let their counterfeit version of Christianity steal your relationship with the real Jesus.
The Jesus who said “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). The Jesus whose yoke is easy and burden is light. The Jesus who set the captives free wants to set you free from spiritual captivity too.
I see you. God sees you. You are loved. You are a child of God. Find comfort in Him.
Your story matters, and you’re not alone in this journey. If this post resonates with your experience, please know that our comments section is a safe space where you can share anonymously. Sometimes just knowing others have walked this path can bring incredible healing. We’re here to carry these burdens together, as we’re called to do.
