Last week, I wrote about modern idolatry – how we place good things above God. Today, I want to talk about probably the biggest idol in western culture and how it creates confusion around our identity.
Sexuality.
I know, I know. Our culture has completely distorted sexuality and relationships, and when anything becomes more important than God, it becomes an idol. Sexual identity has become our primary god, for everyone. We’ve made sexual expression the center of our identities, reduced intimacy to physical acts, and created a world where people feel they have to perform sexually to be worthy of love.
This affects all of us, though it shows up differently for different people. The point isn’t to shame anyone for their specific struggle—it’s recognizing we’re all longing for the same thing: to be fully known, fully loved, and to experience the intimacy God designed us for.
What if instead of judging each other’s sexual struggles, we created communities where people could be honest about their pain and find healing together?
How Sexuality Became Our Culture’s God
Sex moved from sacred covenant to casual commodity seemingly overnight. Media normalized sexual objectification across all orientations, and pornography rewired entire generations’ understanding of intimacy. Dating apps even turned relationships into shopping experiences.
Everyone gets caught in this trap. People who identify as straight may tie their worth to sexual performance, struggle with porn addiction, or get lost in hookup culture. People who identify as LGBTQ+ may feel additional pressure to make sexuality their entire identity. Single people are treated as ‘incomplete’ without sexual relationships, and married people face performance pressure instead of real intimacy.
The Damage of Sexual Idolatry
When we make sexual expression our god, our sexual desires become the loudest voice in our decision making process. Sexual validation now primarily dictates our worth, and sexual identity puts itself in the center of our sense of self. Our definition of happiness depends fully on sexual fulfillment.
Sure, we may feel good in the moment, but what about when you’re laying in bed that night, your thoughts swirling? A crushing emptiness usually follows, whether we choose to notice it or not.
No amount of sexual expression can fill the God-shaped hole in our lives. Living our truth doesn’t give us the freedom we wish it does. Instead, we become even more trapped in our prison of self. When our sexual desires are challenged, we see it as an identity crisis. When sexual desires shift or fail to satisfy, we struggle to remain rooted in who we think we are at our core. And when our sexual gods fail us, we fall into the cycle of shame.
Sexual relationships will always disappoint when they’re asked to bear the weight of our worship.
Hypocrisy and Condemnation Make This Worse
And here’s the proverbial elephant in the room. Where Christians have made this problem infinitely worse.
A lot of people who identify as Christians like to make certain sexual struggles “worse” than others while ignoring their own. They may use biblical truth as an excuse for cruelty when it should be used for creating healing communities. And they’ve turned pastoral issues into political talking points.
Maybe you’ve been wounded by Christians who made your sexual struggles feel uniquely shameful while ignoring their own. Maybe you’ve been told that your particular area of struggle puts you beyond God’s love – whether that’s same-sex attraction, porn addiction, sexual trauma, relationship patterns that aren’t working, or any other struggle with sexuality.
I’m deeply sorry. What you experienced wasn’t Jesus – that was religious pride wrapped in weaponized Bible verses.
Here’s what I want you to know: ARMR Collective exists to create the kind of space Jesus actually created – where people struggling with all kinds of sexual brokenness can find healing without shame. You are welcome here exactly as you are, wherever you are in your journey.
However, this doesn’t mean we believe all choices lead to the same outcomes – God’s design exists for our flourishing. But it does mean we believe transformation happens through love and community, not judgment and isolation. We’re all working toward wholeness together, and no one’s struggle is more shameful than anyone else’s.
The theme of “come as you are” is not to enable sinful behavior or remain in sin, but to create a safe, nonjudgmental space for healing no matter what struggles you carry. Come as you are, not remain as you are.
As Romans 8:1 says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
The Identity Confusion Crisis
At the heart of our sexual brokenness lies a fundamental confusion about identity.
When God is God, everything else falls into place. We need to place God back in the center of our lives and place Him above our idols. But as a culture, we try to make our sexual orientation our core identity marker. In doing so, our worth gets tied to sexual expression and validation which will never satiate our souls. Attraction, action, and identity all get confused for one another.
Attraction: What You Feel
This is the involuntary experience of being drawn to another person sexually and/or romantically, which can be same-sex, opposite-sex, or both. Attraction isn’t chosen or controlled.
Culture likes to confuse attraction with identity. Culture says, “If you are attracted to the opposite sex, you ARE heterosexual.” But the reality is attraction is something we experience, not who we are. Many of us may experience various attractions but we don’t build our identities around them.
On the other side of the argument, attraction does not equal sin, just as temptation doesn’t equal sin.
Action: What You Do
These are the choices you make about sexual behavior. Actions can be aligned with or against your attraction. Our actions involve willpower, decision-making, and moral reasoning. And this is where Scripture speaks most directly.
Culture likes to say that sexual behavior is just expressing who you naturally are. But in reality, sexual behavior involves choices guided by values, wisdom, and faith. The Bible speaks on behavior and not attraction. And this applies to ALL sexual behavior outside of a marriage covenant.
Identity: Who You Say You Are
This is how you define yourself based on attractions and/or actions. Identity is what gets confused with attraction itself. In culture, identity becomes an inevitable action. Culture says, “If you identify as xyz, you MUST act on it to be authentic.”
Our primary identity should be a beloved child of God.
Sexual attraction then describes you but doesn’t define you. We then gain the freedom of being able to acknowledge attraction without making it central to who we are.
This Actually Liberates Us
Being able to distinguish these three aspects brings us freedom to be honest about attraction without shame. We are free to make choices based on values and not just desires. We are able to find our identities in something more stable than sexual feelings, and we don’t get trapped by any particular attraction or orientation.
The Other Lies Culture Tells Us About Sexuality
Beyond the identity confusion, our culture perpetuates other lies that keep us trapped:
Lie #1: Sexual Expression Equals Fulfillment
Our culture today says that sexual activity equals happiness. Society applies the pressure that we must be sexually active to be “normal”. But we miss the deeper longing for intimacy and connection. We start to confuse physical with emotional/spiritual needs.
Lie #2: Everyone Must Be Sexually Active to Be Complete
In our culture, marriage and sexual relationships seem necessary for wholeness. Single people are treated as incomplete or “missing something”. How many times have you run into an aunt at a family gathering and they ask, “So? Are you dating anyone yet?” This puts so much pressure on us to find “the one”. I know I put all my happiness on finding my husband. I thought, if I could only find my soulmate, then I’d be happy.
The Sexual Brokenness We All Share
This is a universal struggle for everyone. The hypersexualization in our culture affects everyone, not just a specific orientation. Pornography addiction destroys our capacity for real intimacy. Casual sex leaves us feeling used and empty. Sexual trauma affects our ability to trust and connect. Using sex for validation creates a destructive cycle where our worth becomes tied to sexual performance rather than genuine intimacy. Confusion about our identities ensues when sexuality becomes everything. We get stuck in a shame cycle around sexual behavior. We lose the ability to experience true vulnerability and connection.
The root issue is we’ve lost sight of what sexuality was designed for. Sexuality divorced from commitment and covenant. It’s been physically separated from emotional and spiritual connection.
It’s become more about individual gratification over mutual self-sacrifice.
God’s Design for Sexual Wholeness
But God has a better design for sexuality and identity.
Sexuality As Sacred
Sexuality was created for intimacy, not just pleasure. It was designed for a covenant commitment of marriage and not casual consumption. Sexuality is meant to reflect God’s faithful love and is a sacred act of vulnerability and trust.
Remember, our primary identity is as beloved children of God. When our identity is rooted in God, we’ll be whole regardless of our relationship status. We’ll have purpose and meaning beyond sexual expression.
The Gift of Singleness
As a culture, we also treat marriage as a rite of passage or something we’re entitled to. But Scripture never commands us to marry. Some of us may be called for singleness, and I know that’s unfathomable in today’s world. People like to use the argument of “Jesus never married!” but He came for something much greater than marriage. Instead, we should look to Paul or others who were called to be single.
Culture treats singleness as a consolation prize when we should reframe it to be a calling.
In doing so, singleness becomes freedom to serve God without division.
Despite what culture tells us, you are whole and complete even without a sexual relationship.
Healing From Sexual Brokenness
We’re all affected by cultural lies about sexuality. We ALL have sexual brokenness regardless of orientation. We need to recognize patterns that won’t lead to flourishing and find where we’ve found identity in the wrong places.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
We need to separate our sexual desires from our core identity and learn healthy intimacy and vulnerability. This could look like creating boundaries around sexual influence and temptation. Maybe this could take the form of seeking professional help for trauma or addiction or finding a healthy community for support and accountability.
Redefining Success
Wholeness isn’t defined by cultural expectations but with alignment with God’s design. Success isn’t sexual performance but faithfulness to God’s calling for your life. Freedom isn’t compulsion led by desire, but a choice guided by wisdom. Fulfillment doesn’t come from sexual gratification, but from a deep relationship with God and others.
Creating Communities of Healing
ARMR Collective strives to create safe spaces for healing. Spaces without condemnation, shame, or judgment. Spaces where we can be honest about our struggles without shame, and equal grace for all sin. We want to create a space focused on healing and not condemnation.
There is no hierarchy of sexual sins here, or any sin for that matter.
As Romans 3:23-25 says, “For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God, and all are justified freely by His Grace through the redemption that came by Jesus Christ.” ALL have fallen short.
We must focus on healing and wholeness for everyone and leave room for questions, doubt, and processing.
Sexual struggles don’t disqualify you from God’s love. Healing is possible regardless of your past or present struggles. We must have community support without enabling destructive behaviors.
Love isn’t allowing people to continue on a path of self-destruction. Sometimes love is interfering and speaking truth even when it hurts.
But speaking the truth should never be shameful or condescending, though it can be convicting and maybe a bit uncomfortable.
Your Identity Is Secure In Christ
You are a beloved child of God, made for a purpose, forgiven and set free, and never alone. You were created for a purpose beyond sexual expression. You are valuable regardless of relationship status.
You alone aren’t enough, but with Christ, you are more than enough.
And with this comes liberation. Your sexual desires don’t dictate your decisions. You do. You are free from cultural pressure to perform sexually. Wisdom and faith can guide your choices about sexual behavior. You’ll be able to have peace with God’s design even when it’s difficult.
Beyond the Culture Wars
The real victory here isn’t about winning arguments about sexual ethics or forcing cultural change through politics. Winning lies in individuals finding wholeness and peace in God’s design for their lives and in creating space for healing rather than demanding conformity.
Our identities go so much deeper than sexual desires. And when we realize that, we can experience the freedom that comes from God’s design for human flourishing.
Your story matters, and you’re not alone in this journey. If this post resonates with your experience, please know that our comments section is a safe space where you can share anonymously. Sometimes just knowing others have walked this path can bring incredible healing.
Whether you’re questioning, struggling, or somewhere in between – we’re here to carry these burdens together, as we’re called to do. Your voice adds to this conversation in ways that might help someone else feel less alone.
