Growing up in church, I heard about forgiveness constantly. My pastor talked about how Jesus forgave us on the cross, how we need to forgive others, how we “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”—It seemed so straightforward, almost simple. I nodded along, thinking I understood what forgiveness meant.
Then came the betrayal that shook my world.
For the first time, I truly grasped what forgiveness is: not just a nice suggestion, but a divine commandment. And like many of God’s deepest truths, it’s far more complex and challenging than I ever imagined.
Here’s what no one told me about forgiveness: it’s not a one-and-done decision.
It’s a daily choice, sometimes a moment-by-moment battle.
There are mornings when I wake up and have to consciously choose to forgive the same hurt all over again. Some days, I have to make that choice multiple times before sunset. It’s like exercising a muscle you didn’t know you had. At first, it feels impossible. Your heart rebels against it. But with practice and God’s grace, it becomes…well, not exactly easier, but more natural. You develop spiritual muscle memory.
Let me bust some myths about forgiveness that I had to unlearn the hard way.
Forgiveness isn’t forgetting. It’s not pretending the hurt never happened. It’s not excusing the behavior or saying it was okay.
And—this was huge for me to learn—it’s not necessarily reconciliation (that’s a whole other post! Keep an eye out 🙂). Forgiveness is releasing the debt owed to you. It’s deciding, with God’s help, to let go of the bitterness that threatens to take root in your heart. It’s a deeply personal decision between you and God—the other person doesn’t even need to know about it.
You can completely forgive someone and still choose not to have them in your life.
You can forgive AND establish firm boundaries.
God calls us to forgive; He doesn’t call us to be doormats. Think about it: God forgives us completely, but He still allows us to experience the natural consequences of our actions. He doesn’t want you to subject yourself to ongoing hurt or abuse. He wants you to forgive and release the bitterness—but that doesn’t mean you have to put yourself back in harm’s way.
I wish someone had told me earlier that experiencing pain doesn’t equal unforgiveness. Having emotions—even negative ones—about what happened doesn’t mean you haven’t forgiven. You’re human. Give yourself grace in this process. Some days, the hurt might feel fresh again. That’s okay. Some days, you might struggle to choose forgiveness. That’s okay too. What matters is that you keep bringing it back to God, keep making that choice to forgive, even when your feelings haven’t caught up yet.
Something that’s helped me is learning to view the person who hurt me through God’s eyes. This isn’t easy—trust me, I know. But try to imagine how God sees them. He loves them despite their flaws and failures, just as He loves us despite ours.
This doesn’t mean what they did was right. It doesn’t minimize your hurt. But it can help shift your perspective from anger to compassion.
Remember: we’re all broken people in need of grace and mercy.
When the betrayal first happened, I’d never experienced so much anger and heartbreak. I’ve never been one to wish ill will upon people, but honestly, I wished a lot upon this person. I’d be driving along and have very un-Christlike thoughts pop in my head. I’m still human!
After this happened a few times, I made a promise to myself that every time I had a negative thought about the person who wronged me, I’d make myself pray for them. Praying for them is literally the last thing I wanted to do, but it helped a lot. Start small. Maybe just pray that God blesses their day. Over time, you might find your heart softening, not because they deserve it, but because that’s how God’s love works in us.
Forgiveness is a journey, not a destination. It’s okay if you’re not “there” yet. It’s okay if you thought you were “there” and then realized you have more work to do.
What matters is that you keep choosing forgiveness, keep leaning on God’s strength when yours fails, keep believing that He can heal what feels irreparably broken.
Remember: unforgiveness ultimately hurts no one but yourself. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. When we choose to forgive, we’re not doing the other person a favor—we’re setting ourselves free.
Jesus forgave us all on the cross. Who are we to withhold forgiveness from others? It’s not always easy, but with God’s help, it’s always possible. Take it one day at a time. One choice at a time. One prayer at a time.
And remember—you’re not walking this path alone.
