“Surprise!” my parents cheered when I entered my dorm room. They handed me a ‘congrats’ balloon as I collapsed onto my bed. I had just finished the IU Dance Marathon and had been standing for 24 straight hours. I took a moment to really look at my parents and noticed their smiles seemed strained. “What’s going on?” I asked. I knew they hadn’t driven all this way to give me a balloon.
There, in my depressing 12 by 20 dorm room, my mom and dad broke the news that my cousin, Maddy, who had been battling cancer for over a year, was now terminal. Her leukemia wasn’t going to go away, and she was being placed on hospice. She wasn’t going to get better despite our desperate prayers.
We prayed for her healing up until the end, but those prayers seemed to go unanswered.
She passed away at 15 years old.
This was twelve years ago.
The aftermath was a blur. My family members experienced a myriad of spiritual responses to this horrific trauma. Some ran from God, some were angry with God, and some ran to God. Some became spiritually numb and others desperately anchored themselves in their faith.
This pattern plays out everywhere—same crisis, radically different spiritual outcomes.
Three Spiritual Responses to Trauma and Crisis
When tragedy strikes, there are usually three common reactions. These aren’t permanent categories or “types” of people. They’re common responses that most of us cycle through – sometimes within the same day, sometimes over months or years. You might recognize yourself in all three at different points in your journey.
Running TO God: When Trauma Drives You Toward Faith
Some people’s faith becomes their anchor during storms. Maybe God feels like safety or home to you, not a stranger to turn to in crisis. If you have a previous relationship foundation with God, you might be able to find comfort in Him. Sometimes, we need to find purpose in our pain. Thinking “God can use this for good” becomes a lifeline we cling to. Some might experience God’s divine presence and actually feel God’s comfort, supernatural peace, or strength during a crisis. And these people could also see God as loving and present even when life isn’t good. There’s a distinct difference between God causing harm and the harm that comes from living in a fallen, sinful world.
For me, my grief drove me deeper into faith. Looking back, there’s literally no explanation for how I got through everything except for God. To be honest, I really didn’t know what else to do at the time. While I would never wish that pain on anyone, I’ve been able to find meaning in it by helping others through similar struggles.
This doesn’t mean that this response proves more spiritual strength.
Different foundations, experiences, and support systems can make running TO God feel safer than running away. But this isn’t the case for everyone.
Running FROM God: When Trauma Drives You Away From Faith
Some people run away from God when facing a crisis. They may feel personally betrayed by God Himself. “I trusted God, and He let me down.” This can feel like a knife in the back. This can also manifest as feeling like a broken promise. “I was told if I have faith and pray, God would protect my family.” We prayed and prayed for Maddy to be healed, but she passed away anyway. Sometimes trauma can shatter our understanding of how God works and who He is. Or some dive into self-protection mode: If God can’t be trusted, it’s better to not depend on Him at all.
This can manifest as intellectual arguments, like: “If God was real and good, this wouldn’t have happened.” Using unanswered prayers to disprove God’s existence is another common manifestation. Even as someone who clung to God through loss, I still get caught in this trap sometimes. I’ll think “What was the point of praying for Maddy if she passed anyway? Would my prayer really have changed anything?” It’s this spiral of wondering if prayer works at all. This is exactly how someone can move from clinging to running – sometimes in the same conversation with God.
Sometimes it might seem easier to believe God doesn’t exist altogether than to believe that He allowed suffering. This anger can easily turn into atheism. And sometimes along with this thinking is, “If God doesn’t heal my loved one/help me out of this situation, then everything I believed was a lie.” These responses can be boiled down to thinking that God has broken His end of the deal. The hurt dresses up and disguises itself as logic.
Spiritual Numbness: When Trauma Shuts Down Engagement
I know I went through a long phase of spiritual numbness, where I just went through the motions. Overwhelm and crisis can overload your emotional capacity, leaving you no energy for spiritual processing. The brain also may try and protect itself by shutting down to prevent further spiritual or emotional injury. Some people may experience delayed processing where they need to get through the crisis first and then spiritually process later.
After going through a trauma, it’s natural to be emotionally exhausted. Sometimes you can be too tired to be angry at God or to cling to Him; you’re just surviving. This is where I found myself after Maddy passed away. I developed depression and was barely keeping my head above water for the next five years. I knew God was real, but I was too exhausted to pursue my relationship with Him. Along with my confusion and hurt about the losses I experienced, I was frozen in place.
This spiritual numbness can manifest in a number of ways. Maybe you think, “I just can’t think about God right now.” This isn’t a rejection, but an inability to engage like I experienced. Maybe you can’t feel God’s presence OR absence, just nothing. I still attended church and prayed throughout my numbness but I felt very disconnected. And I wasn’t angry or faithful, just existing in spiritual limbo.
This isn’t a lack of faith. This is a trauma response that can be temporary.
If you’re going through a period of spiritual numbness, this doesn’t make you a “bad” Christian.
This is a normal trauma response, and I promise you that you’ll find your way back, no matter how long it takes.
Why Faith Changes During Life’s Darkest Moments
Your Spiritual Foundation Before Trauma
Your previous relationship with God can affect which response feels most natural first. I had a fairly strong relationship with God which made it more natural for me to run TO Him at first. After the dust settled and life had to return to its new “normal”, I became numb. There is also a strong difference between knowing ABOUT God and KNOWING God.
The reaction that feels most natural can also come down to relational versus contractual faith. Contractual faith can look like “If I have enough faith, God will answer my prayers” or “Bad things happen because of lack of faith”. When a crisis strikes, contractual faith feels like a broken promise. “I did everything right and God didn’t deliver,” you may think. This could make running FROM God a natural response.
Mental Health’s Role in Spiritual Response
As I briefly touched on, my battle with depression sent me straight into survival mode where I wasn’t able to sense God’s presence. The same can occur with any mental illness. Brain chemistry can make any spiritual engagement difficult. With many mental illnesses, your emotions may become muted, making you unable to feel the comfort and peace that used to come with faith. Not to mention the shame cycle that can occur when dealing with mental illness:
- “My faith should be stronger than my mental illness.”
- Feel guilty for not being able to pray/feel God
- Try harder to “fix” your spiritual life
- When that fails, swing to “maybe God isn’t real” or total shutdown
- Feel shame about doubting, try to cling again
- Cycle repeats
This is how I lived my life for a long time while I battled depression. If this resonates with you, first and foremost, you are not alone. And secondly, this won’t last forever.
Tolerance for Mystery Changes Over Time
Another reason people may move between these three responses is our own tolerance for not knowing. Some seasons you might be able to handle not knowing, but other times you need answers. Uncertainty might feel like abandonment one day, but trust-building the next.
Stages of grief can affect spiritual responses too. Denial could cause you to keep clinging to God and praying for healing. Anger could make you run FROM God, angry that He is letting this happen. Bargaining showcases contractual faith, prompting spiritual numbness especially when followed by depression. Finally comes acceptance where you are able to rest in God’s peace.
Just like the spiritual responses, the stages of grief aren’t linear. You can move between any and all of them at any point.
Support System and External Responses
Others’ reactions can also push you toward spiritual responses. When you go through a trauma together, it’s natural to try to heal together. But sometimes this can entail toxic Christianity and the “pray it away” mentality. The type of spiritual community you’re in during a crisis can literally determine which response feels safe to have.
Toxic responses can push someone from one spiritual state to another overnight. I’m sure many of you have heard the dismissive, “well, it’s all part of God’s plan” after experiencing a trauma. Some people may have the best intentions when saying these words; others may really think you should be ‘over it’. If you’re being shamed for running from God when faced with a crisis, this is not a healthy community. Shame and guilt should never be used as weapons in a faith community. Condemnation and conviction are vastly different.
Healthy spiritual communities look like “I don’t know why this happened but I’m here with you” and “it’s okay to be angry/numb/confused right now”. They cover you in love and meet you where you are. Healthy faith communities create safety where questions are welcomed, the focus is on presence rather than answers, and people are free to experience any spiritual response without judgment.
For Those Currently Running TO God
It’s okay to have doubts while still turning to God. Like I mentioned before, I clung to God during Maddy’s illness but still had moments of “why aren’t you healing her?” Your faith doesn’t have to be perfect to be real. In fact, I’d say real faith is far from perfect. Questions CAN coexist with faith.
If someone who experienced your trauma alongside you is responding in a different way, you can still offer support without trying to move them to your response. And it’s okay to grieve others’ spiritual responses.
If they declare that God isn’t real, don’t try to shame or bully them into taking their words back. Don’t use dismissive phrases like “everything happens for a reason” or “they’re in a better place now”. Instead, address their PAIN, not their theology. Validate their feelings. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through.” “I don’t know what to say but I’m here for you.”
Let your faith be a witness, NOT a weapon.
And don’t beat yourself up if you catch your own spiritual responses changing. Clinging to God might become so much more difficult than it was, like in my experience, but give yourself Grace. It’s completely natural to have shifting responses.
For Those Currently Running FROM God
Your response makes complete sense. You are allowed to feel betrayed by God. You are allowed to be angry, confused, or even feel like you’re done altogether with faith. Using logic to protect your heart isn’t something to be ashamed of.
If you ever want to come back, please know that God isn’t keeping score of your spiritual “failures”. Healing often needs to happen before other responses even feel possible. God doesn’t need you to prove you’re “worthy” of coming back. He’s not keeping score of your doubts or angry words. Coming back is about relationship restoration, not religious performance.
Your anger doesn’t disqualify you from love. Feeling betrayed doesn’t mean you can never trust again.
For Those Currently Spiritually Numb
Your numbness isn’t a weakness; it’s your brain protecting you. Sometimes we need to survive before we can process. And there’s no timeline for when feelings “should” return. When you’re ready, you can try starting small. Maybe just sit quietly without pressure to “feel” anything. Don’t force spiritual experiences or responses. And it’s okay to ask for others to pray for/with you when you can’t.
Sometimes the most honest prayer is “I can’t even pray right now”. God can handle your inability to engage. He will always be there waiting for you when you’re ready.
Your inability to engage spiritually right now doesn’t mean God has given up on you. This numbness could be protecting you right now. The spiritual responses can emerge when you’re ready.
The Fluid Nature of Spiritual Responses
These responses can shift daily, weekly, monthly, or over years. Moving between different responses does not mean you’re spiritually unstable. Sometimes you might even experience multiple responses simultaneously.
Certain things can trigger response changes, like anniversaries, significant dates, life circumstances, stress levels, mental health, new losses, or unexpected blessings. These can make you stop and question your current response.
No matter how often or rarely your responses change, God is big enough for all of it. There is no right way to respond to devastating trauma. And luckily, your spiritual journey does not have to look like anyone else’s. It’s yours and yours alone.
God’s love doesn’t depend on which response you’re currently experiencing. His patience overflows no matter if you’re clinging, running, or numb.
The invitation to experience God remains open regardless of your current spiritual state.
Looking Forward
There’s no expiration date on grace no matter how many times your response shifts. Some of the most beautiful stories come from the wilderness seasons.
Twelve years later, while I would never wish my family’s pain on anyone, losing Maddy, my grandparents, and my Aunt Terry eventually led to ARMR Collective. Those dark years of grief and depression – as horrible as they were – became the foundation for helping others in similar battles. I find peace knowing that something beautiful could grow from such devastating loss.
In a world where everything fades away, God remains constant and eternal.
And that’s true no matter which response you’re experiencing today, or which one you might experience tomorrow.
This post is dedicated to my beautiful family members who’ve gone home to be with God. Maddy, Lola, Lolo, & Aunt Terry, I love you so much. Thank you for your inspiration.
