“Surround yourself with friends who will help you grow!” the radio host gushed, right as my car turned on. “Don’t waste time with people who will keep you stagnant!”
I thought of all my friendships as I drove down the road and found myself disagreeing with the host.
Sure, some friendships help you grow and become a better version of you. But do we really need to “cut off” friendships that exist solely for fun?
And as Christians, should we only be friends with other Christians? But then, how do we shine Christ’s Light on others?
The radio host isn’t wrong that the people around you shape you. They do say that you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.
But here’s where I think the host missed it: we’re allowed to discern which friendships can hold what.
Why “Just Surround Yourself With Believers” Misses the Point
Proximity really does shape us. Who we’re close to does form us. But sometimes we try to sort people by label: believer vs non-believer, growth-minded vs stagnant. And labels don’t reliably predict whether a friendship is good for us or not.
In fact, I learned this the hard way when confiding in some friends who were labeled as “believers”. We ended up being wounded by these people who carried the title and not the heart.
1 Samuel 16:7 says, “The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”
The labels we give people are the outward appearance. Only the Lord sees the heart fully—we can’t. So how are we supposed to tell? Not by reading hearts we can’t see, but by paying attention to something we can (keep reading to see what!).
The Better Question: What Is This Friendship For?
Let’s be real. We don’t carry a checklist around and go, “Alright. I’m going to talk to you about this because I know we agree on x, y, and z, and you’ll tell me the truth I need to hear.” We don’t give out applications for friendships and only accept those with the “correct” labels.
Instead of asking ourselves if this person has the right labels/is good for us, we need to ask: “What is this friendship built to hold?”
We are allowed to discern between friendships and decide what to bring where.
With this discernment is the freedom to stop being quietly disappointed in friendships for not being something they were never built to be.
We can’t ask a friendship for something it isn’t built to give.
And this is NOT a ranking system for friendships. The friend you call at 2 am for the heavy thing and the friend you call to laugh until it hurts are NOT ranked first and second. They’re different instruments. Both matter.
Reaching past what a friendship is FOR is what leaves you hurt. And that might be on the reach, not the friend.
I have been blessed with some really beautiful friendships. Some friends see the world as I do, and some have varied outlooks. Both are valid. But I know that some things—especially the ones that lean on faith—are better brought to one friend rather than another,
Not because I love them less, but because we see those particular things so differently that the advice wouldn’t land the way I need it to.
This isn’t about avoiding people who’ll disagree with me. I need those people, and I need to let them sharpen me. It’s that some conversations only make sense between people working from the same map—and when I’m wrestling with something spiritual, I want to talk it through with someone who’s reading the same map I am.
Proverbs 18:24 says, “One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Scripture itself names different kinds of friendship—the many companions and the rare, sticks-closer-than-a-brother one.
It’s not saying to keep only one. It’s saying don’t confuse the two.
How to Tell the Difference: Fruit, Not Labels
So, how do we know which friendships can hold what? We don’t sort friendships by what they claim; we sort them by what their presence grows in us. Do we leave the friendship steadier and more honest, even if it’s hard? Or do we leave feeling more anxious and justified in staying stuck?
What fruits does the friendship cultivate in you?
Jesus said, “by their fruit you will recognize them”, and the same is true of friendships (Matthew 7:16).
We need to look behind the “labels” and trust the effect the relationship has on us. Friends can challenge us, but are they challenging us toward something better? Do we walk away feeling convicted but loved? Or do we feel vaguely worse and can’t exactly name why?
This applies to us too. What do people get when they bring something heavy to us? Ask yourself: Am I a friendship that can hold weight, or one that goes quiet when it counts? What fruit do we sow in our own friendships?
Friendships Aren’t Frozen in Place
Not every friendship is meant to be deep, and that’s not a flaw. A light friendship that stays light is good and complete. It’s not a failure or a relationship that “didn’t reach its potential”. It’s doing exactly what it’s for.
AND sometimes a friendship surprises us—one we filed away as light can deepen, or one that drifted comes back around with more weight than before.
We can be clear about what a friendship is now AND open to it changing.
Both can be true at once. Neither cancels the other out.
Some friendships come at just the right season. Some stay for many seasons. Like Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, there is a “time for everything under heaven.” The same goes for friendships.
Truth and Love Aren’t a Trade-Off
So, the radio host was partially right. The people around us do shape us, and friendships do matter enough to be intentional about them.
But instead of losing ones that keep us stuck, we can accept the friendship for what it is and what it can hold. The truer thing here is to love your people AND know them—what each friendship is for, what it can carry, what it can’t.
We don’t have to leave anyone, rank anyone, or decide we’ve outgrown anyone to get wiser about what we bring where.
Discernment doesn’t mean losing friends. It means stopping the quiet heartbreak of asking them for what they were never able to give.
Clarity is not the opposite of love. Knowing a friendship honestly IS a way of loving it.
Ephesians 4:15 says, “Speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of Him who is the head, that is, Christ.”
Truth and love act as one, not a trade-off.
I turned the radio down and kept driving—grateful for every kind of friend I have.
