We all laugh when Patrick Star walks in from his “busy” day at work to see SpongeBob rocking the baby scallop while doing ten thousand other things.
But how many of us have felt like SpongeBob?
Caring for the kids all day, making lunches, cooking dinner, laundry, mopping, Tommy needs a blue folder for school, don’t forget to buy a gift for Billy’s birthday—the mental load is EXHAUSTING.
And then in walks our partner, visibly done for the day, but we still have to be “switched on” until the kids fall asleep for the night.
Maybe we also worked all day. We’re tired after work too, but someone has to take care of the kids. We can’t just both “clock out” of being parents.
Even with the best of partners, resentment is real and can be all encompassing.
What the Mental Load Actually Is
“Mental load.”
If you’re like me, this phrase is all over my social media.
“Moms carry such a heavy mental load!”
“Men will never understand our mental load!”
But what is a mental load?
Mental load isn’t the list of tasks that need to be done, but managing all the tasks, the running tab that never closes.
As I was writing this, I suddenly remembered that I need to wash my daughter’s Bible camp shirt for her to wear on Sunday.
Mental load is the list of to-dos that run in the background of our brains 24/7, the nonstop management of a household.
I know when I’m home all day with the kids, I count down the hours until my husband is done with work. I view him as my knight in shining armor, coming to save me from having to regulate everyone’s emotions all day.
So, when he comes home from a particularly difficult day, totally drained from providing for our family, I have to fight resentment with every ounce of my strength. “I’D LOVE TO RELAX AFTER A LONG DAY BUT THE KIDS NEED BATHS!”
Who Gets to Clock Out?
My husband recently showed me a reel about the mental load of being the provider, and honestly, I didn’t fully get it until then. I can’t imagine the pressure of making sure our basic needs are met, that we can afford to live.
It’s a real weight—just a different one. His doesn’t clock out either.
So, the real gap here isn’t who works harder. It’s not a competition.
The reality is neither partner can fully “turn off” after a long day.
Kids still need to eat dinner, brush their teeth, and get baths. Lunch still needs to be packed, dishes need to be done, laundry needs to be folded.
Maybe one of you turns off while the other handles the bedtime routine. Maybe you work at it together. A lot of the time it falls on the default parent.
Regardless, seemingly invisible labor needs to be done by someone. Whose brain wakes up at 2 am with a shock: “Betty needs to bring a box of tissues to school tomorrow!”?
The Precedent I Set
Looking back on when our first child was a baby, I wanted to do everything. I wanted to feed her, bathe her, cut her nails, change her, dress her, literally everything. I genuinely wanted to own it all.
Later, when I was exhausted and struggling postpartum, I started to resent my husband for not doing the things I had already claimed as mine to do. I had set a precedent…and resented my husband for respecting it.
We ended up “renegotiating” and splitting everything more evenly, something that was easier to do as the kids got older.
But even now, he has to coax me to sit down and eat dinner while he takes care of bedtime.
The Seasons It Can’t Be Split
I know there are genuine times where things can’t be handed off.
Breastfeeding can’t be shared, but restocking the pantry, cleaning the floors, and making appointments can.
I remember our newborn waking me up at 4 am after I had just fed him two hours earlier (it felt like no time had passed), and I sat in bed, feeding him and crying about how tired I was. I looked over at my husband peacefully sleeping and found myself seething at the unfairness that he couldn’t help me with breastfeeding.
But he let me sleep in extra late that morning, warming up a bottle I had pumped the night before. Sure, I got a clogged duct, but the sleep was so worth it!
Just because one thing can’t be shared doesn’t mean nothing can.
If you’re carrying all of this alone, with no partner to hand off to or even to resent, I see you—and everything from here is for you, too.
Catch It Before It Roots
Resentment may seem like a small thing at first, but if left unchecked it can turn into bitterness. Bitterness can then take root and turn into anger and contempt toward our partners if left untended.
So, how can we catch ourselves in resentment?
Firstly, the FEELING of resentment isn’t a sin. And it isn’t always a choice either. The emotion of resentment can be flagging a real imbalance.
What you CULTIVATE from the resentment is the choice.
When we’re told to repent from our resentment, it’s not about the feeling, but what we choose to do with it. We don’t need to repent from feeling it. We just can’t let it harden.
Hebrews 12:15 says to make sure “no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” We must tend to the root of bitterness before it sets.
Kristen Hogrefe Parnell wrote a great article about “little foxes” here, referencing Song of Solomon 2:15’s “little foxes that spoil the vine”.
Where Is It Actually Pointed?
Before we go any further: This assumes a good-faith, overwhelmed partner—not a neglectful, contemptuous, or abusive one. If the resentment is pointing at someone who refuses to engage or weaponizes your needs, that’s not a mental load problem.
Now that we’ve caught ourselves in resentment, we can aim it correctly.
Sometimes, the resentment is pointing at something true: our partner genuinely isn’t pulling their weight and the imbalance is real. This kind of resentment is legitimate information, and the answer isn’t to “examine your heart and let it go”.
The solution here is to address it. Have the honest conversation.
But other times, the resentment is really aimed at the exhaustion, the season, the sheer unfairness of the situation…but it lands on our partners, because they’re right there and safe to be mad at.
When I was feeding our newborn at 4 am while my husband was sleeping peacefully, the anger I felt wasn’t really at him. It was directed at how brutal that season was. He was just the one beside me in the bed. That’s displaced anger.
The question is: Am I mad at them, or am I mad at the situation, and they’re the one I can reach?
Holding displaced resentment is like slapping yourself and expecting the other person to feel the pain.
In Ephesians 4:31, Paul writes, “get rid of bitterness, rage, and anger.” This doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to feel it. We are allowed to feel negative emotions. But Paul’s writing is directed at the hardened resentment, the kind that threatens to take root in our hearts.
Drop the Mind-Reading
Who else gets frustrated when our spouses don’t read our minds and get us fries after we told them we weren’t hungry?
All jokes aside, we can’t expect our partners to read our minds. When we do this, we hand our partners a test they didn’t know they were taking.
We can’t place unspoken expectations on our partners and get mad when they don’t carry them out.
Instead, we can clearly communicate things that need to be done and offer ownership to those tasks. And, yes, it can be frustrating to have to verbalize your mental load, but it’s better than stewing in resentment and exhaustion trying to hold it all yourself.
We’re on the Same Team
We need to remember, first and foremost, that we are a TEAM.
And second, we can practice cherishing our partners. This changes how we view them, not how much we carry.
But, if the outcome of cherishing your partner is that you do more and ask less, that’s tipping toward self-erasure. We can cherish our partners AND keep boundaries fully intact.
When addressing a point of resentment, make sure to simmer down first. Then decide what’s worth raising. Some things might be little annoyances because we were hangry. But other things can be legitimate points to talk about and redistribute. Paul writes in Ephesians 4:26, “In your anger do not sin; Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry”.
Earlier this week, I was feeling a little resentment towards my husband for something. After I simmered down, I realized my frustration was a result of me being hangry. I didn’t bring it up, and wouldn’t you know it, I’ve since completely forgotten what it was even about! It was clearly not a world-ending issue that needed to be addressed immediately.
One of the best ways to cherish your partner and combat resentment is this: take the time this week to write down three positive traits about your partner. At the end of the week, tell them why you appreciate those traits.
Resentment can’t thrive in an environment of appreciation and “I see you, thank you”.
Tend the Root
Resentment doesn’t have to last forever. It can shift. Naming it out loud is the first move. And tending the root is an ongoing process, not one-and-done.
We’re allowed to have our SpongeBob moments where we let ourselves feel bitterness towards our exhaustion.
But instead of having an “OVERTIME?!” breakdown (like when SpongeBob discovers Patrick’s “job” was watching TV all day), we can tend to the root before it grows into the contempt that erodes our relationships.
I was talking to my friend last week about being the “default parent”. We groaned about how difficult it was but ended it with “but I wouldn’t change it”.
We’re allowed to feel the weight of our mental load AND be grateful for the circumstances behind it.
We can adore our families and feel the weight of carrying them—holding both isn’t hypocrisy, but honesty.
