Content Warning: This post talks about suicidal thoughts and depression. If you’re not in a good place, feel free to skip reading this one. Please prioritize yourself and take care of yourself first.
If you need support right now:
988: Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text), 24/7
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: call or text 833-852-6262, 24/7
“You chose this.”
“This is what you wanted.”
“Children are such a blessing.”
“Enjoy every moment!”
If you’re a mother, I’m sure you’ve heard these phrases before. Some are thrown at us like stones, and others are offered like gifts, though the invalidation remains the same.
What’s behind these phrases is often a mother struggling to make it through the day, feeling the weight of being the one everyone depends on, piled on top of the mom guilt already.
But here’s the truth underneath these phrases: If you’re drowning, it doesn’t mean your kids aren’t a blessing. Both can be true. Struggling while loving your kids isn’t an oxymoron.
Postpartum depression and suicidal ideation as a mother are uniquely cruel and rarely spoken about.
This post is going to get heavy, but I want you to know there is hope. I’m on the other side now, no longer in the deepest pit of depression, though I still have my days. If you’re struggling please know, the valleys don’t last forever.
More Than the Baby Blues
I’ve struggled with depression for years, so I knew I’d be predisposed to postpartum depression (PPD). So, when the baby blues hit the day after I delivered my first baby, I thought it was PPD already, so soon. But postpartum depression is more than baby blues.
Baby blues happens when your hormones plummet after giving birth, making your emotions go haywire. It’s completely normal and clears up within two weeks. Up to 75% of women experience baby blues after delivery.
You’re not broken if this happens to you.
If this lasts longer than two weeks or gets worse, it could be developing into PPD. When mine didn’t go away, that was the first sign of PPD.
And it doesn’t always happen right after birth either. It often shows up within the first few weeks, but it can emerge any time in the first year. A lot of moms think it could be “too late” to be PPD, but it can even show up after months.
Hormones, physical changes, emotional changes, genetics, and/or a history of mental illness can create a perfect storm for PPD to brew. It can be hard to identify PPD because the symptoms overlap with new-mom exhaustion and overwhelm.
Symptoms of PPD include:
- Mood swings
- Anxiety
- Sadness
- Crying
- Feeling overwhelmed
- Intense irritability and anger
- Fear that you’re not a good mother
- Hopelessness
- Fatigue
- Feeling you can’t care for your baby or yourself
Intrusive thoughts of harm to yourself or your baby can be very distressing. These are NOT necessarily a sign that you’ll act, but they’re so upsetting because they go against everything you want. These are not the same as postpartum psychosis, which is rare and a different thing.
The Guilt Layer
My depression and anxiety worsened with each pregnancy I had. I remember feeling like my only purpose in life was to feed my baby, and I completely lost my identity outside of keeping my babies alive. I was barely eating, not taking care of myself at all, and felt so much guilt for not feeling grateful for the season of life I was in.
I felt weighed down by guilt for not cherishing “such a miracle”. My mom guilt fed my depression, and my depression fed the mom guilt.
But we can hold two truths at the same time. Our children are genuine gifts AND we are struggling. Neither one of these cancels the other.
The Cruelty No One Names
TW: Suicidal ideation, depression; Take a breath, it gets heavy here.
When I was having suicidal ideations in 2017, it was terrifying and gut-wrenching. But when I had them after having children? Knowing two small humans NEED me to stay alive to take care of them? It was monumentally worse. It stole the choice away from me. When I was wanting to disappear in 2017, at least I had the “option” since two babies weren’t dependent on me. But after kids? I HAD to stay alive for them.
It’s such a cruel thing, to be a suicidal mother. We can’t even entertain escape, because our babies literally can’t survive without us. We’re extra trapped.
My life almost imploded in 2024 after having my son. We were under so much warfare that I sometimes thought it’d be better to not stick around. By God’s grace and faithfulness, we made it through, but it was one of the hardest seasons of my life. There were so many times when I wanted to disappear, but I couldn’t. I had to stay.
The trap here whispers that we’re only worth keeping alive because the baby needs us. But that’s not the whole truth.
The baby needing us is true, but it’s not the reason.
You are seen.
There’s a desperate, abandoned woman in Genesis who gave God a name no one else in Scripture did—the God who sees me—because in the place she thought she was completely alone, He found her.
You are worth saving, period.
Postpartum Depression Is Not a Faith Failure
Let’s get this straight: PPD is NOT a faith failure. It’s NOT selfish. And it’s NOT your fault.
Elijah was a faithful prophet who was so depleted that he asked God to take his life (1 Kings 19:1-9). God’s response wasn’t a rebuke or a “why don’t you just pray more”. God gave him sleep, food, and water before any conversation.
God met him with gentleness.
Exhaustion to the point of despair is NOT a faith failure.
God isn’t mad at you for being depressed or wanting to disappear. He’s not going to scold you for feeling this way.
Just like with Elijah, He’ll meet you with gentleness and care, not punishment.
Prayer is Real…But Not the Whole Plan
Prayer is powerful. We know this. But a lot of times, we need to pair prayer with action.
I prayed so many times for God to take away my depression, to make me regain my identity. For me, I had to add therapy, medication, and support to my prayer routine to heal. But I didn’t turn to other means as a backup plan for prayer. I asked God for healing, and He gave me access to a therapist, medication, and my family. That counts as Him showing up, not Him saying no.
I’m not undercutting prayer, because it genuinely helps. But sometimes, people quote “come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” and weaponize it as “just come to Jesus and you’ll be fine” (Matthew 11:28-30). The rest Jesus offers isn’t “stop seeking help and just believe harder”. His rest can look like the permission to stop performing strength, to finally admit you’re not okay and get the help you’ve been ashamed to reach for.
Miracles CAN happen, AND God can work through ordinary means, like doctors, medicine, time, therapy. These aren’t God’s plan B for when the miracle doesn’t land. They’re frequently how the miracle takes place and healing begins.
Getting treatment IS trusting God, because He’s the one who put the help there.
We would never shame a diabetic for using insulin. In the same way, we shouldn’t shame people with mental health struggles for getting professional help.
You Are Not the First Mother to Feel This
Right after having a baby, it feels like everyone celebrates with you. They’re constantly checking in, asking about the baby, but after a few months they just…go quiet. Meanwhile, mothers are still in the trenches with seemingly no support.
I hear a lot, “well, why didn’t you reach out?” When people are drowning, they’re not going to check in regularly. And they’re probably not going to text, “Please, help me, I’m struggling!” because they’re too focused on survival.
“Just let me know if you need anything!”
This phrase is well-meaning but falls into the same trap. When we’re struggling, the last thing we’re going to do is call and say, “Hey, would you mind doing this and that?” Whether it’s pride or shame, we may view asking for help like we’re “failing” as a mother.
What’s ironic is we’re not the first faithful women to be in this kind of anguish.
In 1 Samuel 1, Hannah is described to have a “bitterness of soul”. While she’s weeping, a spiritual leader named Eli misread her as a drunk. A faithful woman in deep maternal anguish over her infertility struggles was misunderstood by a spiritual leader.
To the mothers: You are not alone in this. I know how isolating depression can feel. How distressing it can be to have thoughts of not wanting to be here. You’re allowed to ask for help. You’re allowed to pray AND take a prescription. Getting professional help for mental health is NOT a weakness of faith. It’s using what God’s placed in your path to get the help you need.
To the ones around her: Galatians 6:2 tells us to carry each others’ burdens. Check in on her, even if it’s been months since the baby was born. Instead of asking, “what do you need?”, ask, “When are you free for me to come over and help around the house?” And sometimes, just being a comforting presence means the world.
There Is a Way Through
I’m on the other side now, with no other explanation but God’s steady hand on my back, patiently waiting for me to resurface.
The darkness I experienced was real, AND it wasn’t the end of my story.
When I lost all sense of who I was months after my first child was born, it took some time, but God helped me find myself again. When I was in the depths of depression and wanted to disappear, God helped me to slowly but surely climb back out. When I felt isolated and all alone as a new mother, God reminded me that being alone and being unseen aren’t the same thing. God saw me even there.
Paul writes in 2 Corinthians, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God” (2 Cor 1:3-4).
I was comforted, and now, I’m offering this as a comfort to you.
I see you. God sees you.
And you’re doing a great job.
You are not alone, and help is available.
If you’re in crisis or thinking of harming yourself:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988, available 24/7.
National Maternal Mental Health Hotline: call or text 833-852-6262, available 24/7, free and confidential, for pregnant and new moms.
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741, anytime.
For support, resources, and connection (non-emergency):
Postpartum Support International (PSI): call or text 1-800-944-4773.
Note: PSI’s HelpLine isn’t for emergencies—if you’re in crisis, use 988 or the maternal hotline above. PSI also offers free online support groups and a directory of perinatal mental health providers at postpartum.net.
Reaching out is not a weakness of faith. It’s one of the bravest, most faithful things you can do.
