Guilt plummeted into my stomach, my head swirling with “traitorous” thoughts. “Don’t be a church hopper,” I told myself. My soul was getting fed here—but it was getting harder to ignore the things I knew. I was getting fed less and less over time. “We can’t stay somewhere toxic,” another voice said.
I thought back to all those months ago when I heard the Holy Spirit tell me, “Stay for now.” For now…maybe, “for now” meant…now.
The guilt Christians feel about even thinking about leaving a church can be monumental. But when churchgoers think of leaving because they’ve experienced church hurt? Well, that’s a leading cause of people leaving the faith entirely.
Many people leave churches over petty preferences and can miss growth opportunities. But some stay in harmful environments out of guilt or confusion and end up withering spiritually.
We need discernment to know the difference.
There’s a difference between leaving over preferences and leaving over legitimate red flags.
Lucky for you, this post will be about deciphering which is which.
Preferences vs. Red Flags: Know the Difference
Preferences Are Valid
We’re allowed to have preferences in the church. Like I wrote last week in my Worship Wars post, we can decide what worship styles we prefer as long as our hearts remain focused on God. God made us each different; different styles reach different people. Maybe you prefer taking Communion every Sunday; maybe you’d rather take Communion once a month. Maybe you’re more comfortable in a smaller church setting. Maybe a large church feels better for you.
All of these preferences are valid.
It’s Okay to…
Leave a Church Over Preferences
It’s okay to leave a church over preferences. “This isn’t the right fit for me” is a valid reason to find another church. You don’t have to force yourself to love a style that doesn’t resonate. The goal is to find a place where you can genuinely worship and grow.
My family didn’t feel like we were growing anymore at our previous church. Layer on some church hurt we saw happen to others, and the logical decision was to leave. So, now here we are in the Grand Church Search. And you bet we’re taking everything into account when trying out new churches. What’s their worship style, how big is it, how’s the pastor, are the messages engaging—we almost need to take score sheets with us as we try these new places out.
The key here is this: It’s okay to leave a church over preferences. It’s NOT okay to leave the faith over preferences. Here’s where we get stuck.
It’s NOT Okay to…
Leave the FAITH Over Preferences
A coffee shop in the lobby isn’t a reason to abandon Jesus.
A worship style you don’t like doesn’t invalidate all of Christianity.
Don’t confuse church culture with the gospel itself.
This being said, I know church hurt happens and it’s real and awful and VALID. We’ll speak more on this later on in the post, because church trauma can indicate a red flag.
Colossians 2:8 warns us to not be taken captive by human traditions. This cuts both ways, both traditional style churches and contemporary.
Judge Other Churches/Christians for Their Preferences
We also shouldn’t be judging other churches and Christians for their preferences. I’ve watched friends leave churches before me, and the ones who handled it with grace—who didn’t judge those of us who stayed—showed me what Christlike disagreement looks like. We need to let others worship the way they connect with God.
Romans 14:4 says, “Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another?” We can’t pass judgment on disputable matters—matters of preference (See more on disputable matters in this post).
Each Christian and church is allowed to worship how they see fit, and we are not to judge them for matters of preference.
But there’s a difference between preferences and patterns of harm—and that’s what we need to talk about next.
Claim Preferences Are Doctrine
No where in the Bible does it say, “Make sure that you sing four songs and THEN do tithes before starting the sermon.” And I’m pretty sure Paul didn’t write, “If the church is too big, spiritual health will decline.” In the same vein, worship styles don’t equate to theological soundness. Building aesthetics doesn’t influence gospel fidelity. And cupholders on seats in the sanctuary aren’t an automatic ticket to hell.
In Mark 7:8, it warns us against leaving the commands of God to hold onto human traditions. When human traditions and preferences get in the way of our relationship with God, this affects spiritual health.
Examples of Preferences (Not Red Flags)
So, how do we know if something is a preference or a red flag? Here are a few examples. Worship styles, think hymns vs. contemporary vs. blended, are NOT red flags. Service format—liturgical vs. casual—is another preference. And the same goes for, this might be controversial, church size. A megachurch inherently isn’t less faithful. However, a larger size CAN come with its own potential issues. But the same can be said for a smaller church. Again: preference.
Other things like building type, programs offered, preaching style, and service times are also preferences.
The question we need to ask ourselves is: Is this a PREFERENCE issue or a spiritual HEALTH issue?
If it’s a preference, find a better fit. There’s no judgment on the church you’re leaving. But if it’s a spiritual health issue? That’s a legitimate concern that may require leaving AND warning others.
The bottom line is, preferences are about finding YOUR place in the body of Christ. Red flags are about PROTECTING yourself from genuine harm. We have to be careful not to elevate preferences to red flags. And at the same time, we can’t minimize red flags as “just preferences”.
The goal is to find a healthy church that fits you. Not a perfect church.
All churches are inherently imperfect—they’re all run by sinful humans.
So, how can we tell when leaving is the only solution?
When Leaving Is Legitimate: Red Flags
There are five main “types” of red flags: doctrinal issues, leadership, ingenuine discipleship, toxic culture, and withering faith.
With some of these red flags, it might be abundantly clear that you need to leave immediately, especially if a church is preaching false gospel. Others may be harder to see or take more time to come to light. Use your God-given discernment to decide when or if you should move on.
1. Doctrinal Issues
Doctrinal issues are anything contradicting the Bible.
False Gospel Being Preached
The church could be preaching a false gospel. This sounds dramatic, but it’s more common than you might think. Even preaching a works-based salvation or preaching that you don’t need Jesus to make it to Heaven counts as false gospel.
Galatians 1:6-9 warns that anyone preaching a different gospel is “accursed”. And 2 Corinthians 11:3-4 says to beware of those preaching “another Jesus”.
Denial of Core Christian Beliefs
Any church that denies that Jesus is the Christ, that He rose again on the third day, authority of Scripture, or the Trinity is a huge red flag. Christianity’s core belief is that Jesus died on the cross for our sins so that we can go to Heaven—we can only go to Heaven if we accept the debt He paid. If a church doesn’t believe this and claims to be Christian? This might be grounds to RUN.
1 John 4:1-3 says, “…do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God…every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God.”
Twisting Scripture to Control or Manipulate
This is a common one. I see Facebook posts all the time where someone cherry-picks a verse from the Bible to back up their very unbiblical opinion. Using the Bible out of context to demand compliance or show “superiority”is a big red flag. And so is adding requirements that Scripture doesn’t impose.
2 Peter 3:16 tells us that unstable people twist Scripture to their own destruction. And Colossians 2:20-23 warns us against human rules being presented as spiritual authority.
2. Leadership Red Flags
Leadership red flags can have to do any type of leader—from the lead pastor to a youth group leader.
Inaccessible Pastors / Celebrity Culture
One of the hardest realizations my family had was recognizing that pastoral accessibility looked different than I expected. In our previous church, the senior pastor was functionally inaccessible. Not just busy—inaccessible. It became clear that unless you were on staff or had significant influence, you weren’t getting face time.
At first, I justified it: “It’s a big church. They can’t meet with everyone.” But over time, I realized that for me and my family, this lack of access felt less like a shepherd tending the flock and more like a CEO managing a brand.
This said, some people thrive in large churches with teaching pastors who focus on weekend messages while other staff handle pastoral care. That’s a valid model, and it works well for many. But for us, it became clear we needed a church where leadership was more accessible.
The question isn’t “Is this church wrong?” The question is “Is this the right fit for my spiritual health?“
Acts 20:28-29 and 1 Peter 5:2-3 talk about shepherding and caring for the flock. Different church models interpret that differently. But if you find yourself feeling like a number rather than a sheep being tended, it’s worth asking whether that structure serves your growth—even if it serves others well.
No Accountability Structure
Many churches, especially non-denominational ones, lack accountability structures like elder boards or denominational oversight. This doesn’t automatically make them unhealthy—some churches have other forms of accountability that work well, like leadership teams, advisory boards, or partnerships with other churches.
The red flag isn’t the absence of a specific structure. It’s when no one can question the pastor and there’s no system to address concerns or grievances. When one person holds all the power with no checks and balances, issues get swept under the rug instead of being handled biblically.
Proverbs 11:14 says, “In an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Whether that’s through elders, a leadership team, or denominational accountability, healthy churches have someone who can speak truth to those in authority.
If your pastor operates with zero accountability and no one can challenge decisions or address concerns? That’s the red flag.
Defensive Responses to Questions
Some leaders attack people’s characters when questioned, but healthy leaders welcome biblical testing. It’s not a sin to ask questions. In fact, 1 Thessalonians 5:21 encourages us to “test everything against the spirits”.
3. Lack of Genuine Discipleship
This is where the church fails to invest in your spiritual growth or shepherd disciples for the sake of metrics.
No Clear Pathway for Spiritual Growth
If you’re a regular churchgoer, you probably know church is almost over when the altar call comes. Maybe once upon a time, you had stepped up for the altar call and were led to salvation.
Some churches’ altar calls lead people to salvation with no clear step for growth. The number of people saved is celebrated, but where’s the fruit?
Matthew 28:19-20 tells us to make disciples of all nations, TEACHING them to obey everything. Note: these aren’t just one-time decisions. They need to also be taught what to do next.
“Join a small group” becomes the answer to every question, with no intentional mentorship or training beyond that. They celebrate your salvation and move on to the next person, leaving you to figure out the rest on your own.
While small groups can be great for community, banking all your spiritual growth on a weekly gathering with other believers who may be just as new as you are? That’s not discipleship—that’s hoping someone else will do the work the church should be doing.
Metrics-Driven Success
When attendance, baptisms, and amount of money given becomes how success is measured, it loses all meaning. What about the fruit in transformed lives? Shouldn’t that be held higher than how many hands were raised during the altar call last Sunday?
Matthew 7:16-20 says we will know them by their fruit. Not numbers, but their character.
4. Toxic Culture
Lastly, we have one of the most problematic types of red flags. Toxic Christianity is rampant and sometimes even endorsed by the churches. Let’s dive into some toxic red flags.
Gossip Tolerated or Modeled by Leadership
If leaders participate or allow gossip, this is a major red flag. A church is supposed to be a safe haven for all souls. No one should feel they have to mask or pretend to be something they’re not. We’re supposed to be there to help each other heal and strengthen our relationships with God. Not to gossip about that week’s prayer requests.
Spiritual Abuse Patterns
Control, manipulation, isolation, fear tactics—these all fall under spiritual abuse. If someone uses spiritual authority for personal gain, this is extremely problematic. As I’ve written before, the people who spiritually abused us used Scripture to back up their false, unbiblical claims and tried to claim authority over us.
Even if someone is a leader in a church, they are warned against “domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock” (1 Peter 5:3). Likewise, we are to restore each other gently, not harshly or manipulatively (Galatians 6:1).
Shame-Based Teaching
Shame-based teaching is motivating change through guilt and fear rather than grace. We can’t use past sins against each other or try to guilt people into transformation in Christ. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love, and self-control.” LOVE. Accountability should never be demeaning, condemning, or condescending. Speaking the truth in LOVE is the biblical way.
“Us vs Them” Mentality
If a church claims to be the only one doing it right and condemns other churches, run. This creates isolation from other believers and churches. And this creates a false enemy in other churches on the same divine mission. Why would other churches trying to save people be our enemy when we have the same goal?
1 Corinthians warns against forming factions because Christ is not divided (1 Corinthians 1:12-13). We can’t condemn other churches for having different preferences than ours—but we can recognize when a church’s claim to be “the only right way” crosses from preference into toxicity.
5. Withering Faith
Lastly, we have withering faith, where you’re not growing.
You Dread Going
Maybe you’ve gotten to a point where going to church feels like a chore or obligation rather than actually wanting to go. It’s okay to have the occasional tiredness, but consistently dreading going to church may indicate it’s time to start a church search. Gathering should spur one another toward love and good deeds, not foster dread (Hebrews 10:24-25).
You Feel More Anxious, Guilty, or Confused After Attending
Church should bring conviction that leads to repentance, not to shame spirals. Godly sorrow brings repentance and transformation; worldly sorrow brings death and shame (2 Corinthians 7:10).
If you leave church feeling worse about yourself without any hope or path forward, that’s not the Holy Spirit—that’s toxic teaching.
The Holy Spirit is Consistently Unsettled in You
I felt this soon after attending one particular sermon. I found it was so much harder to ignore the things that bothered me. My soul was getting fed less and less. I still stayed another month or so, but I could tell my family’s heart wasn’t in it anymore. It wasn’t until I prayed and talked with my husband that I realized “for now” meant right now.
If your spirit feels unsettled, your gut is telling you something isn’t right, not just once but a pattern of unease, this is worth listening to. Acts 16:6-7 says the Spirit sometimes prevents and redirects. Listen to your discernment. If you feel unsettled, look into it. It’s usually worth investigating.
Before You Leave: A Biblical Checklist
After reading through this list of red flags, maybe you’re worried about your church. Here are some questions to ask yourself before you jump ship.
- Have you prayed about it consistently?
Not just once in frustration. But enough times to get a read on how things might be changing in your spirit.
- Have you sought wise counsel outside the situation?
Ask trusted believers who aren’t emotionally involved. See what they think about the situation and take what they say into account.
- Have you actually talked to leadership?
In my case, I wasn’t able to get in contact, but go straight to the top if you’re able. Give them an opportunity to respond. Their response will tell you a lot. If they’re defensive and invalidate your concerns, it may be time to leave. If they’re humble and take what you say seriously, give them time to change things.
- Are you leaving TO something or FROM something?
If possible, visit other churches before making your final decision to leave. It helps to know you have somewhere to land.
But sometimes you can’t wait. Sometimes the situation is harmful enough that you need to leave now, even without a backup plan.
We left our church without knowing where we’d go next. It’s been uncomfortable and uncertain. But it’s also been the right decision. We’re trusting God to lead us to the right community in His timing.
Have a plan if you can. But don’t let the lack of a plan keep you in a place that’s causing harm.
- Is this conviction or just discomfort?
Growth is uncomfortable too, but not shameful or condemning. Discipline seems painful at the time but produces righteousness (Hebrews 12:11). Try to discern: is God pruning and bettering you HERE, or leading you OUT?
- Have you given it enough time?
Is this a bad season or a pattern? Churches go through difficult periods that can be redeemed. But some won’t. If one sermon rubs you the wrong way, maybe stick around for one more (unless it’s straight blasphemy, of course). Sometimes we need to give the church a little grace.
- Have you examined your own heart?
Lastly, make sure your motives are pure. Are you running from something you should face? Are you running because you’re uncomfortable with the transformation required of you? Learning to set boundaries with family and church can feel impossible, but it’s essential work.
Sometimes we run from hard things God is asking us to do. I ran from my calling to write for months before starting this blog. But there’s a difference between running from God’s conviction and running from a harmful environment. One is disobedience; the other is self-preservation. Make sure you know which one you’re dealing with.
How to Leave Well (If You Decide to Go)
If you ultimately decide to leave your church, here are a few do’s and don’t’s.
Firstly, don’t ghost if possible (and safe). Honor the commitments you’ve made and communicate with leadership.
BUT, if abuse is present, protect yourself first.
Second, don’t burn bridges or slander. In other words, don’t trash the church on the way out. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths.” Our words have power, and we shouldn’t use them to badmouth anyone.
Don’t recruit others to leave with you. Let others make their own choices and come to their own conclusions. I’m so thankful my friends did this for us and we were able to come to our decision ourselves.
Lastly, you’re allowed to grieve the loss. I’m going to miss the amazing worship at our old church. My husband even agreed and said he could always feel the Holy Spirit moving there.
Even if leaving is right, you’re allowed to be sad about leaving. After all, you could be leaving relationships, memories, and a community. Your pain is valid, and your reason for leaving is too.
Give yourself permission. You don’t owe everyone an explanation. And you don’t need to write a ten-page justification for leaving. Galatians 1:10 asks, “Am I seeking the approval of man or God?” Even in this post, I’m trying to be so careful not to justify why we left or even state our reason for leaving our old church. I want to make sure I’m not discouraging anyone from finding the church God is calling them to, even if it’s the one I left. Your journey is between you and God. If you’ve struggled with people-pleasing, leaving a church can feel like the ultimate betrayal. But your spiritual health matters more than others’ approval.
You Are Allowed
You’re allowed to ask questions.
You’re allowed to set boundaries.
You’re allowed to trust your gut when something feels off.
And you’re allowed to leave a church that’s causing more harm than healing.
You don’t need anyone’s approval to protect your faith. You don’t owe anyone a detailed explanation for prioritizing your spiritual health. And you don’t have to stay somewhere toxic just to prove you’re “committed.”
Leaving is hard. It can be messy. It can be filled with grief and guilt and second-guessing. But it can also be an act of obedience: a step toward the abundant life Jesus promised, not the anxious, shame-filled existence some churches foster.
My family left our church without knowing where we’d land. We’re still searching. And some days it’s discouraging. But most days, we feel lighter. Freer. Hopeful.
If you’re in the middle of this decision, I’m praying for you. I’m praying for clarity, for courage, and for a church community that feels like home, not a trap.
Next week, we’ll flip the script and talk about what makes a church HEALTHY—the green flags to look for, the questions that reveal a church’s heart, and how to recognize when you’ve found a place worth planting roots.
Because leaving is only part of the journey. Finding where you belong? That’s the destination.
