“Wow, if I were you, I wouldn’t have been able to forgive that quickly.”
After months of wrestling with forgiveness, having to forgive multiple times a day until my heart finally softened, I didn’t think it was “quick”. I felt good about my decision, felt the burden lift off my shoulders as the forgiveness finally began to “stick”. The forgiveness flushed the resentment out of my heart—until I spoke about it to others. Suddenly, I questioned everything. Did I give “too much” grace? Did I let it go too easily? Should I have kept holding on to the bitterness and resentment even though it was harming me?
I know the relief I felt when I realized I finally fully forgave them, but was that all an illusion? I couldn’t even trust my own perception. One comment from someone else unraveled months of hard-won peace.
Grace has been weaponized so effectively that we can’t trust our own discernment anymore. How much grace is “too much”? Is there such a thing as too much grace?
These questions have haunted me more times than I can count. And I’m not alone. Because somewhere along the way, grace stopped being a gift and became a weapon—one we now turn on ourselves.
How Grace Gets Weaponized Against Us
The Scripture Twisting Toolkit
As my best friend loves to say, “I’m a Christian, not a doormat.”
And it’s true. Christians and unbelievers alike tend to take Scripture out of context to mean we should always roll over and take the abuse coming our way.
“Turn the Other Cheek”
They cite verses like “turn the other cheek” (Matthew 5:38) to demand we stay in abusive situations indefinitely. They weaponize the verse to mean we must tolerate endless harm without consequence.
But this verse read in its entirety tells us not to retaliate with personal revenge. We shouldn’t slap them back but act in love toward the attacker. Acting with love often prevents further attacks, and Jesus doesn’t say we can’t react with fleeing or self-defense. We’re allowed to set healthy boundaries and get away from abusive situations.
“Seventy-Seven Times”
Matthew 18:21 is another verse that often becomes a weapon towards Christians. “‘Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.’” This verse doesn’t mean we can’t ever set boundaries or enforce consequences. It doesn’t mean we let people walk all over us after forgiving them.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are very different. You can forgive someone without ever speaking to them again. Forgiveness is an internal choice. Reconciliation is the external choice to reconnect with the perpetrator. We aren’t required to reconcile with everyone we’ve ever forgiven. The above verse means that forgiveness isn’t transactional or limited. We can forgive people over and over again without allowing them back into our lives.
“Judge Not”
I’ve seen this verse weaponized by Christians and unbelievers alike. “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgement you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:1-3).
People try to twist this verse into meaning we can’t discern harmful behavior or set boundaries. They use it to silence legitimate concerns about someone’s character or actions. And this happens externally too. Some will try to say, “Your God says not to judge, so you have no right to any moral standards or to oppose anything I do.”
But we’re supposed to discern. 1 Corinthians 5:12-13 tells us to judge those inside the church. God judges outsiders. We’re told to discern, but NOT to condemn. Discernment is not condemnation (if done with love). Having boundaries is not hatred. And disagreement doesn’t mean we’re lacking love.
“Love Your Enemies” & “God is Love”
Other verses get twisted too: “Love your enemies” becomes “maintain close relationships with people who harm you”. “1 John 4:8 says, ‘God is love’” becomes “real Christians accept everything without question”. The pattern is the same: biblical truth gets weaponized to erase boundaries, silence discernment, and keep us accessible to harm.
Who Weaponizes Grace?
So who weaponizes grace? Anyone. Abusers escape accountability (“I thought Christians were supposed to forgive”). Toxic family members demand access (“The Bible says honor your father and mother”). Well-meaning Christians silence victims (“Just show them grace”). Churches pressure people to stay (“Leaving means you’re not gracious to our imperfections”). Even nonbelievers can use our theology against us to demand forgiveness and endless tolerance.
But we can love AND disagree. We can show grace AND maintain our own convictions.
The Goal of Weaponization
“Judge not” and “God is love” get used to silence ANY Christian perspective—not just condemnation, but even respectful disagreement. The implication becomes if you truly loved people, you’d have no convictions at all.
But that’s not what Jesus modeled.
He loved people fiercely AND spoke truth. He ate with sinners AND called them to repentance.
He showed compassion AND didn’t shy away from hard conversations.
The goal of this weaponization isn’t actually about grace. It’s about silencing Christianity on anything someone finds inconvenient. And ironically, we internalize this too. We become paralyzed, afraid that having ANY moral conviction means we’re being “judgmental” or “unloving”.
But you can love someone deeply AND disagree with their choices. You can show grace AND maintain convictions. You can refuse to condemn while ALSO refusing to endorse.
How Weaponization Creates Internal Paralysis
I thought I had made a decision to forgive but once everyone started shouting their opinions in my ear, I started to second guess it. I started policing my own boundaries, wondering if they were too strict. I wondered if I was being gracious enough. I felt peace about my decision but immediately started to doubt if it was real. I had drawn healthy boundaries but felt weighed down with guilt. So, I started to justify my own self-protection to make it make sense.
This can happen in any situation. Maybe you finally set a healthy boundary and feel good about it initially but then wonder, “Am I being too harsh?” You might distance yourself from a person for good reason and then think, “But what would Jesus do?” Maybe you attend a problematic church, but your soul feels fed there. “Should I leave in solidarity with those who were hurt?” you might wonder. You may feel a relationship is one-sided but flip your thoughts to “But maybe I’m not sacrificing enough?”
Maybe you’re just bone-tired, completely exhausted, but force yourself to keep going under the guise of “Aren’t Christians supposed to go the extra mile like it says in Matthew 5:41?”
This is the cycle: external weaponization becomes internal paralysis. We police ourselves before anyone else does. And we can’t tell the difference between conviction from God and conditioning from others.
How to Recognize Internal Paralysis vs. Holy Spirit Conviction
How can we tell the difference between weaponized guilt and conviction from the Holy Spirit?
Weaponized guilt will feel like shame and condemnation. It can originate after speaking with someone else, making you doubt your initial opinions. Guilt might demand you override your own peace and discernment and absorb others’ thoughts as your own. Weaponized guilt can create anxiety and rumination, and feel like punishment, not clarity. It makes you question your own worth and sometimes, even, your salvation.
But Holy Spirit conviction is the opposite. It’s specific about what needs to change, and it comes with clarity and a path forward. It never condemns or judges, but leads to repentance and restoration. My best friend and I call this the “spotlight from Heaven”. You’ll feel called out but not embarrassed. It feels uncomfortable but hopeful. Conviction from the Holy Spirit will NEVER make you doubt God’s love. It invites growth, not condemnation.
The Mental Health Toll
All this self-doubt and invalidation can lead to things like decision paralysis where we can’t trust ourselves without external validation. Anxiety can spike with constant rumination on “did I do enough?” We might find ourselves people-pleasing, needing a consensus before trusting our own discernment. If we dismiss our own data in favor of what we think we “should” feel, we’ll feel self-abandonment. Chronic guilt can plague us with never measuring up to impossible grace standards. And eventually, spiritual exhaustion can set in where grace becomes a performance, not a gift.
The Deepest Lie
The lies hiding beneath all of this are that our boundaries mean we lack grace. That our peace doesn’t matter as much as others’ comfort. Our discernment is inherently suspect and can’t be trusted. That grace for OTHERS always outweighs grace for OURSELVES.
What Grace Actually Is (And What It Isn’t)
Biblical grace doesn’t require restored relationships, ongoing access, or eliminating consequences. It doesn’t force us to stay in harm’s way, override our discernment, or demand proof through self-sacrifice.
Instead, grace is releasing those who wronged us from our judgment and leaving them to God (Romans 12:19). It’s wishing them well—sometimes from a distance. We can pray for someone we’ll never see again. Grace acknowledges their humanity (they’re made in God’s image) without excusing their actions or requiring us to trust them.
Grace extends the same unearned gift we received from Jesus’s sacrifice. Forgiveness is NOT dependent on their change.
Biblical Examples of Grace WITH Boundaries
When Jesus went back to Nazareth, the people He grew up with tried to kill Him under the charge of blasphemy (Luke 4:28-30). They cornered Him and tried to toss Him off a cliff. When it didn’t work, did Jesus stick around and keep interacting with them to “show grace”? Nope. He got out of there immediately.
In Acts 15:36-40, Paul and Barnabas disagreed so strongly that they eventually parted ways. They both stayed in ministry but kept their distance from each other. Joseph forgave his brothers for selling him into slavery, provided for them, but didn’t hang out every Sunday for family dinners (Genesis 50:19-21). Joseph stayed in Egypt and kept physical distance from them. David spared Saul’s life when he had the chance to kill him (1 Samuel 24), but he didn’t return to Saul’s service. He extended grace AND maintained distance for his own safety.
Grace Isn’t “Forgive and Forget”
Grace is more nuanced than just “forgive and forget”. We are allowed to forgive AND protect ourselves. We can love from a distance—that’s still love. Extending grace can happen WHILE being done with the relationship. We can acknowledge their pain AND trust our own discernment. Showing mercy doesn’t always mean overlooking consequences; we can enforce consequences AND be merciful.
We can extend grace AND declare, “No more!”
Grace for Others AND Grace for Yourself
In the parable of the unmerciful servant, we’re taught that we receive massive amounts of grace we don’t deserve (Matthew 18:23-35). But God also gives us wisdom and discernment for a reason. We’re called to bear one another’s burdens but also to carry our own load. We can find a balance between extending grace without carrying someone else’s consequences. We can give grace to ourselves, too, by giving ourselves permission to stop extending grace when it’s damaging us.
God doesn’t want us to bend over backwards and submit to toxicity and harm. It’s not a “lack of faith” to stand up for ourselves.
Trusting Your Discernment (Even When It Feels “Too Easy”)
When “I Feel Good in My Soul” Gets Questioned
Sometimes we have genuine peace about a decision, and external voices try to steal it.
You forgave someone after months of wrestling. You felt relief, freedom, the burden lifted. But then someone says, “I couldn’t have forgiven that quickly” and suddenly, you’re spiraling. Did you let them off too easily? Was your peace an illusion? Is it actually suppression?
But your peace is legitimate data. Colossians 3:15 tells us to let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts. When we’ve wrestled with God, done the hard work, and arrived at peace, that peace matters.
Grace doesn’t mean overriding our own discernment to prove our loyalty to someone else’s pain. We can acknowledge others were harmed AND trust our own experiences. We are allowed to grieve what happened to them AND recognize our situations are different. Their pain is real AND our peace is real. Solidarity doesn’t require abandoning our own spiritual health. Their doubt about our peace doesn’t invalidate it.
Trust and protect the peace. Don’t let external voices unravel what the Holy Spirit has done in you.
When You Feel Good AND Wrong Simultaneously
But what if you feel BOTH? What if you do feel something good, but everything around it feels wrong? What if something blesses you but you feel uneasy?
Maybe you’re in a friendship where the person is kind to YOU, but you’ve watched them treat others poorly. You could be staying in a job that pays well and uses your gifts, but the company culture is toxic. Maybe you attend a church where the teaching resonates, but you’ve learned things about the behind-the-scenes that create cognitive dissonance. Maybe you’re part of a ministry that’s doing good work externally, but internally, there’s unchecked harm.
And now you’re stuck. If I’m experiencing something good here, doesn’t that mean I should stay? If I’m being blessed, am I wrong to feel uneasy about everything else?
The Bible tells us we’ll know them by their fruits (Matthew 7:16-20). When the fruit is bad (when actions contradict words or when harm happens despite good teaching), the root is compromised.
Getting something good from somewhere or someone doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay.
The Holy Spirit can work through imperfect vessels AND call you out of unhealthy systems. Receiving benefit in one area doesn’t cancel out harm happening in another. Your positive experience is valid AND your unease is valid.
You can acknowledge that something blessed you AND recognize it’s time to leave.
Grace doesn’t mean ignoring red flags because you’re personally benefiting. It doesn’t mean staying somewhere because YOUR experience is positive while others are being harmed. Trust the “something’s not right here” feeling just as much as you trust the “this is blessing me” feeling. Both are valid.
And sometimes? The fact that both can be true simultaneously is exactly why you need to leave.
The Right Questions to Ask
So, how can we learn to trust our own discernment? How do we know if we’ve giving “too much” grace?
Stop asking: “Am I being gracious enough?” “What will others think?” “Am I letting this go too easily?”
Start asking: “Am I trusting my relationship with God and my own discernment?” “Do I have peace about this before God?” “Is this decision honoring both truth and my wellbeing?”
The Freedom You’re Allowed to Claim
You’re allowed to take time to discern instead of reacting immediately.
When I’m stuck, I immediately want to call everyone and gather all the opinions before deciding what I think. But I’ve been purposely NOT doing that. I decide my own thoughts first, then ask for biblical input. I remind myself of my original discernment before letting others’ voices in.
We need to trust “my soul feels good” as valid data. We can extend grace to imperfect people and places without being accused of enabling. And we can recognize when it’s time to say goodbye. We can work on strengthening our discernment without needing a consensus. We’re allowed to make different decisions than others in similar situations, and we’re allowed to change our minds as we grow and learn.
When You’re Actually Giving “Too Much” Grace
You might be extending too much grace if:
- You’re overriding persistent unease because you’re afraid of being called “unforgiving”
- Your mental health is suffering to prove spiritual maturity
- You’ve lost your ability to say “no” or “enough”
- Grace has become people-pleasing or a performance instead of a gift
- You’re exhausted, and it’s affecting your relationship with God
Do any of these resonate? If so, take a step back and reexamine your boundaries.
Practical Steps Forward
Reclaiming Your Discernment
I’ve been working hard on reclaiming my own discernment and validating my perceptions of things. It’s been difficult, but I’ve noticed a small shift already. Here are some keys to take a look at to reclaim yours.
Start noticing when “am I gracious enough?” dominates your decision-making. Practice stating your boundaries without immediately justifying them. We don’t owe anyone a twelve-page-long text about why we’re choosing not to go to something. We are allowed to say, “no” and leave it at that. Pay attention to peace versus anxiety in your body. Does an interaction leave you feeling lighter or heavier? Do you have a pit in your stomach? Pay attention to your nervous system data.
Journaling it out can help too. It doesn’t have to be anything complex. Write down your thoughts right as you’re having them, messy handwriting and all. Try to figure out where you learned that you couldn’t trust your discernment. Were your experiences invalidated as a kid? Did people question your perceptions when you were in college? Did a traumatic event cause you to lose trust in your perspective?
Next time you doubt yourself, try to identify the voice speaking. Is it you or an echo of something you’ve heard in the past?
Setting Grace Boundaries
Don’t let yourself become a Christian doormat. Being a Christian does NOT equal letting people walk all over you. Remember: we can forgive AND not trust them. We can wish them well AND need distance. We can acknowledge their humanity AND protect ourselves. Extending grace and enforcing consequences can exist simultaneously. We can love them AND be done with the relationship.
Jesus wouldn’t want us harming ourselves in the name of “grace”. There’s a difference between extending grace and staying in toxic situations.
Extending grace DOES NOT always equal staying.
Building Trust with Yourself
Try to notice when you feel peace without immediately dismissing it. On your drive to work, take a moment to recognize how you feel, how you really feel. Practice small decisions based on your own gut without seeking validation. Celebrate boundaries without apologizing for them.
Start small. You don’t rebuild self-trust overnight.
Choose one small decision this week and make it without asking anyone’s opinion first. What restaurant for dinner? Which route to take home? It sounds silly, but we’re retraining our brains to trust our own judgment.
When you set a boundary and feel good about it? Pause. Notice that feeling. Don’t immediately call someone to validate it. Just sit with it. Let yourself feel good about doing something healthy.
Remember that discernment is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. And yes, you’ll make mistakes sometimes; that’s part of learning. But making a “wrong” choice based on your own discernment is still healthier than making the “right” choice because you listened to someone else’s judgment.
We have the Holy Spirit. This isn’t all on us. Yes, we have to put in the work, but we’re not alone in this.
When to Seek Counsel
If you’re genuinely uncertain and need input, seek wisdom from mature believers. Don’t expect biblically sound advice from nonbelievers. When it comes down to it, Christians SHOULD be able to set judgments aside and help their brothers and sisters in Christ. Seeking advice from people who love God makes such a difference. But counsel should inform your discernment, not replace it. We can’t depend on others to have discernment for us. We can tell them about what we’ve discerned and see what biblical advice they have from there.
My best friend has heard my crazy rants about so many things. She always hears me out, reins me back when I go a little too far, and brings me back around to biblical truth. She speaks the truth in love, adds to what I’ve discerned, and holds me accountable. She acknowledges my own perspective even if she disagrees.
Good Christian counsel should:
- Speak truth in love, not manipulation
- Acknowledge your perspective even if they disagree
- Add biblical wisdom to what you’ve already discerned
- Hold you accountable without controlling you
- Trust that you also have the Holy Spirit
Bad counsel will:
- Demand you follow their direction without question
- Make you feel guilty for even considering something different
- Claim they have special access to God’s will for your life
- React defensively or angrily when you don’t immediately comply
When Is Seeking Counsel More Harmful than Good?
Proverbs 11:14 says “in an abundance of counselors there is safety”—but that safety comes from WISE counsel that respects your discernment, not from people who want to make decisions for you.
If seeking counsel makes you feel more paralyzed instead of more equipped? That’s not good counsel. That’s control.
If you’re seeking counsel because you genuinely need wisdom on a complex situation, good. But if you’re seeking permission because you don’t trust yourself? That’s different. That’s not a wisdom problem; that’s a trust problem. And no amount of external validation will fix it.
You need to look inward and search for what’s causing your paralysis. What do you REALLY think? Not what others might think, but what do YOU think? What is the Holy Spirit trying to show YOU?
The Core Truth
Grace was never meant to be a weapon used against us. It was never meant to paralyze us with self-doubt or override our God-given discernment.
Grace IS freedom—for them AND for you.
For years, I believed that being a “good Christian” meant always giving more grace, always extending another chance, always questioning my own boundaries. I thought peace about a decision wasn’t real if others questioned it. I thought feeling good about letting go meant I let them off too easily.
Remember that comment at the beginning?
“I couldn’t have forgiven that quickly.”
After hearing it, I wondered if I was just suppressing emotions instead of truly forgiving. I questioned whether my peace was real or just avoidance. So, I did what I’d been learning to do: I sat with it. I prayed about it. I asked God to show me if I was fooling myself.
And you know what? The peace stayed.
Not because I convinced myself it was real. Not because I justified my decision enough times. But because the Holy Spirit had actually done the work in me, and one person’s doubt couldn’t undo months of wrestling with God.
Grace doesn’t mean overriding the Holy Spirit’s work in you just to prove something to someone else.
You can be gracious AND healthy.
You can forgive AND move on.
You can love from a distance, and that’s still love.
You can trust your own discernment.
You can feel good about boundaries.
You can extend grace while keeping the door shut.
The Permission You Need
If you’ve been waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay to trust yourself—this is it.
You’re not “letting things go too easily” when you arrive at genuine peace after wrestling with God. You’re not being “too harsh” when you set boundaries that protect your wellbeing. You’re not failing at grace when you recognize a situation is toxic and choose to leave.
The goal isn’t to prove you’re giving enough grace. The goal is being healthy enough to love well, including loving yourself.
Grace is a gift, not a performance. And sometimes the most gracious thing you can do for yourself AND for others is to trust that God gave you a mind, a spirit, and discernment for a reason.
The Both/And of Grace
Be gracious AND done.
Forgive AND protect yourself.
Love from a distance AND call it love.
Trust God’s grace for them AND trust God’s wisdom in you.
You don’t have to choose between grace and health. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to prove your faith. And you don’t have to keep second-guessing the peace God has given you.
There’s no such thing as “too much” grace when it’s freely given from a healthy heart.
But there IS such a thing as toxic grace—the kind that demands you harm yourself to prove your worth.
Choose the real thing. Trust the peace. Protect your soul.
That’s not lacking grace. That’s living in it.
