Content warning: This post discusses suicidal thoughts and theological questions around suicide. If you’re in crisis, please reach out for help immediately by calling or texting 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
When Darkness Overwhelms
“I wish I could just disappear,” my brain whispered to me as I laid in bed, my eyes swollen with tears. I envisioned multiple different ways I could make myself disappear before I realized the danger I was in. Recognizing what was happening, I immediately went downstairs to my parents’ room and told them I needed help.
Maybe this has happened to you, too. Or maybe you know someone who lost their life to thoughts like these.
Growing up, I believed what many Christians are taught – that suicide sends you straight to Hell.
It’s easy to hold such a black-and-white view when you’ve never experienced the crushing weight of depression or the relentless intrusion of suicidal thoughts.
But there I was in 2017, the supposedly bubbly, happy-go-lucky Emiliana, too depressed to move even though my life looked perfect from the outside. The girl who was always smiling was now contemplating ending her own life.
I knew these thoughts weren’t truly mine – they were symptoms of an illness that had taken over my mind.
I couldn’t think straight; I couldn’t hear my true self over the deafening noise of depression.
In that dark place, I came to understand something profound: suicide couldn’t possibly be the unforgivable sin that I’d been taught it was.
The Church’s Historical Stance: A Harsh Legacy
For centuries, many Christian traditions taught that suicide was an unforgivable sin that automatically condemned a person to hell. This wasn’t based on clear biblical teaching but developed over time through church authorities who were responding to specific historical concerns.
What’s most troubling is how these harsh teachings have persisted. Even today, I’ve heard pastors claim that suicide is “the one sin you can’t repent from,” implying it guarantees eternal damnation. This creates additional fear and anguish for those already in unbearable pain.
The tragic irony is that this stance directly contradicts the heart of the gospel – that God’s grace is bigger than our mistakes, that Christ’s sacrifice covers all sin, and that nothing can separate us from God’s love.
What Scripture Actually Says
In my darkest moments, I clung to this truth: there is only one unforgivable sin mentioned in Scripture, and it’s not suicide. The only sin described as “unforgivable” in the Bible is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (Mark 3:28-29), which biblical scholars generally interpret as a persistent, willful rejection of God’s grace – not a single act committed in a moment of unbearable pain.
So, is suicide a sin? Yes, in the sense that it’s not God’s intended purpose for human life.
But it’s by no means unforgivable.
We don’t get saved or go to Heaven only by living a sinless life because that’s impossible. We get to go to Heaven because of Jesus and His sacrifice for us, not by our own works.
One final act, often committed when our minds are not our own, does NOT negate our salvation.
When we look at passages about God’s character, we see consistent themes of mercy, compassion, and understanding. Psalm 103:13-14 reminds us that “As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.”
God understands our frailty, our limitations, and the ways that mental illness can distort our thinking.
Depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses can literally change how our brains function, affecting our ability to see hope or make decisions that align with our true values.
A God Who Understands Suffering
Jesus himself experienced profound suffering. In the garden of Gethsemane, he was in such anguish that he sweat drops of blood, begging for the cup of suffering to be taken from him (Luke 22:44). On the cross, he cried out, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46).
If even Jesus felt abandoned in his darkest moment, how much more does God understand when we feel the same way? The God we worship intimately knows what it means to suffer, to feel alone, to wish for another way.
When Thoughts Aren’t Your Own
One of the most important things I learned through my experience is that suicidal thoughts aren’t reflective of your sound mind or your true desires.
Mental illnesses lie to us. They distort our perception, making us believe things that simply aren’t true – that we’re worthless, that others would be better off without us, that our pain will never end. These things are not and will never be true.
These thoughts aren’t coming from your true self; they’re symptoms of an illness that affects your brain just as pneumonia affects your lungs. And just as pneumonia requires treatment, so does depression.
A More Compassionate Theology
Thankfully, most modern Christian denominations have evolved toward a more compassionate understanding of suicide. Many now recognize that mental illness, not moral failure, is the primary driver of suicidal thoughts. They acknowledge that God’s justice is tempered with mercy and that He understands the complexities of human suffering in ways we cannot fully comprehend.
Father Ron Rolheiser, a Catholic priest and writer, offers this perspective: “God is not a legalist, checking to see how we died. God is a parent who wants to embrace us regardless of how we got ourselves into the car accident of death.”
Faith Without Works Is Dead
As I’ve written before about mental health, prayer alone wasn’t enough for me to heal from depression. Faith without action is like trying to sail without wind. I needed to pray, yes – but I also needed to take concrete steps toward healing.
For me, this meant therapy. It meant medication. It meant building a support system and establishing healthy routines. God worked through these tools, not despite them.
When I finally told my parents I needed help, it wasn’t giving up on God – it was accepting the lifeline He was offering through other people.
What God Really Sees
When God looks at someone struggling with suicidal thoughts, He doesn’t see sin – He sees suffering. He sees one of His children in unbearable pain, desperately needing help and compassion.
Romans 8:38-39 assures us that “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Nothing can separate us from God’s love – not mental illness, not suicidal thoughts, not even actions taken in moments of overwhelming pain when our minds are not our own.
Taking the Next Step
If you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know that reaching out for help is NOT a sign of weak faith – it’s an act of courage and self-stewardship. God created you as a whole person: body, mind, and spirit. Caring for your mental health honors that creation.
The path forward begins with sharing your burden with someone you trust:
- Call or text 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline)
- Tell a trusted friend, family member, or faith leader how you’re feeling
- Make an appointment with a therapist or doctor
- Go to an emergency room if you’re in immediate danger
That first step is the hardest, but it’s also the most important. When I finally told my parents I needed help, it felt like a door opening after months in a dark room – not immediate brightness, but the first possibility of light.
A Final Thought
Your life has purpose and meaning, even when you can’t feel it. God’s work in you isn’t finished, and His love for you hasn’t changed. The darkness you feel now is not your destination, but a valley you’re passing through. And you don’t have to walk through it alone.
There is hope on the other side of this pain. Not because I’m saying so, but because I’ve been there. And because the God who formed you, who knows you completely, who counts the hairs on your head, has promised never to leave you or forsake you – not in this life, and not in the next.
If you’re struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call or text 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Trained counselors are available 24/7 to provide support, resources, and hope. And if you need a friend to talk to, my inbox is always open.
